About me: My father looks like a depressed Chaz Finster, who dresses like a sh*tty sailor, and is over four hundred years old. He wrote the world's best-selling novel, titled, 'I Am Man.' He also wielded a sword at one point, which is incredible because he doesn't have arms. He always resented me because I was born with an erection and a frown. When I was seventeen he taught me how to shoot a gun, hoping I would turn it on myself. When I was twenty he taught me how to beat milk out of a coconut. When I was thirty he taught me how to read. He wasn't the best father, but I've always looked up to him, because he's over eight feet tall. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to answer this phone call. It's probably my father calling to tell me to go f*** myself.
