05/05/2022 07:49 PM  k. Current mood:  blank hello. i spent an hour or so being me. I'm not sure i can live a whole life lying to everyone around me. im not happy, i wont be happy. i just want to be me, forever.  summer is coming. saddness is settleing in. the sun makes me suici4l.  im almost finished with school, well the semester. im so close to my goal. im surprised too. happy? eh. i think its been settled by now. my brain doesnt like me being happy. i wouldve thought id get permission to soak it in and smile, but no. maybe it the season, im not sure. im gaining weight. fast. i dont like it. it makes me want to skin myself. im not even hungry but i eat. i eat and eat and eat. theres no stopping me. i want to wrap myself in a huge blanket. cover my whole body. hide. everything is accumilating. i may break down. its been a while since my last one. i have a cat that does the cutting for me now. she cant breakdown for me tho.  the urge to scream into the void is creeping back. doom is near. it whispers in my ear. on monday, a little jingle kept playing. over and over. it reminded me, i was hearing it the day before. i didnt have earphone. i feel distant from everyone. i dont want anyone. i want to be alone and stare off into space. i want to stop time. 0 Comments

10/01/2021 01:11 PM  :- Current mood:  blank i'm sick of everything again, i was complaining about the effects a better mood has on my creativity and now look at me. ready to go. didn't take long.  everyone uses me how they want. I'm so stupid. its a cycle that will never go away. maybe this is what I deserve. maybe its what I was made for.  hey but now I have some inspiration for my art. cant complain there. 0 Comments

11/06/2020 09:27 PM  neutral Current mood:  blah hello.new entry ig.  just like i said, i'd forget to write... i'm a prophet. theres nothing in particular i want to talk about so i'll ramble ig. heres three recent things. 1) i saw a coyote today. it made me happy.  it was super cute. i was running up the hill and saw this little creature. since i thought it was a dog and since im scared of dogs, i stopped. i looked around for another person, an owner but saw nothing. then i let out a sigh. i guess the little dude smelled me or heard me idk so its little ears went up and he looked my way. we kinda just stared at each other.  i didnt keep going. i was in its territory so the last thing i wanted to do was stress it out. idk maybe if i kept going i wouldve been eaten.  wouldnt that be funny? 2) i told jaden to stop crying and to go to sleep last night. lol was it harsh? i didnt mean to, i was actually asleep.  he hasnt been feeling well. i feel bad. i cant do anything. ive recommended some stuff. its his choice.  i told him i would make him little recipies and i would. so imma start working on that.  hes young and if he helps himself now, it can be of great benifit later in his life. ik if we do something about it now, we can make it go away.idk. maybe.  its what i hope and wish. 3) i told my therapist that ik im worthy of living a happy life. i think she thought i didnt think like that.  maybe in the past i did. not anymore.  believe me, im worthy.  but what i told her after was that that happy life isnt for me. mostly bc i dont think its possible to reach it.  so yeah im worthy but that happy life is running away from me at full speed. i want it but it doesnt want me. ah heres something else thats interesting im sick of water. i cant do it. last night i drank like 60oz in a sitting. i was peeing like crazy. i think its funny. ...im finishing another 60oz right now. yikes.   0 Comments

10/26/2020 10:28 PM  melancholy Current mood:  melancholy melancholy:a feeling of pensive sadness, typically with no obvious cause. just finished reading jaden's blog. it was nice. i didnt realize it but it was making me smile. then i started to cry. i dont know why. im still crying. it was around the part where he was talking about houses that i started to tear up. its nice to have someone be so happy about anything. i still cant believe i can make someone so happy. i feel bad for him at times. it seems like in jaden's mind, his future with me is bright. i cant deny, it feels nice having my name next to words like "happy" & "love". never thought itd be possible. but since i can remember, ive always seen my future as something dark. i try, i honestly try to imitate his cheerfulness. sometimes i do daydream about us. our journey. the first time we meet, our first date, marriage, and whatever comes after. its nice. i dig deep inside and bring out happy maggie.  ..but they never stay for too long. they leave. im left blank. im always left blank. thats when sadness creeps in. its always there. it comes when it wants to. like yesterday. i was having a good time talking to jaden. i was making fart noises for him. i was watching him laugh. he looked so happy. then it just creeped in. that emptiness and sadness came in. i felt it. i felt it take over my whole body. i wanted to cry. suddenly this little cheerful person i was watching on my screen was the saddest thing i'd seen in my life. i couldnt match his joy.  its odd. he stares back, but theres nothing to look at. its empty. no one is there looking back at him. its gonna be like that when he sees me physically. he'll be looking at something thats empty.  emptiness and sadness never leave.  ive been feeling pretty empty since then. the feeling is bigger now.  thats when thoughts come in. earlier today i was at the doctors office. 9th floor. all i could see was my hair flowing freely and me hitting the ground. the images wouldnt stop. they kept playing over and over... i try. ive always tried to make this thing inside me go away but it doesnt want to. its part of me and i cant understand it. thats why its so hard to explain it all to someone who loves me.  "what can i do?" the truth is. i dont have the answer to that. ever since this thing has been with me, my job has been to search for an answer for others. but there is none. even if i found one, they wouldnt understand. they never do, they always fail. thats why i gave up on explaining. sadness is there. it'll always be there. it has no cause. its just here with me. its me.     1 Comments

10/25/2020 05:36 PM  kfc Current mood:  silly i want to be more active on here. write a blog everyday. but im kinda boring tbh. jaden writes everyday...everyday. its always about me. he includes other stuff but the main focus is maggie. its cute. it makes me smile. (he's singing to me rn lmao. blood and tears by danzing. hm...i may be wrong but i have a feeling. i feel like he sings it but his purpose is practicing for the next time he has to sing it to me. idk maybe im reaching.) anyway, (i get distracted a lot) i try to keep up w his blog and leave a comment behind (im also dyslexic. illiterate too ig). ik he appreciates my comments.  (lmao hes singing mother by danzig now. lmao. hes putting a lot of emotion into it. hes so dorky. its cute) so yeah. i hope he sees my comments. he can be slow sometimes lol. its funny.   ik he'll find my entries. he likes stalking me. he'll be here (hi jaden)  i hope he doesnt feel bad if i write something that seems a bit off. i just wanna use this ig to express myself. when i want. bc lets be honest...imma forget about this in like 3 days.  so yeah, if i use this to express myself, i wanna be honest you know... ig my problem is not know what to write about. idk. ...i have to make dinner but im not hungry. maybe i'll  just eat a salad today i dont want to eat meat anymore. thinking about it makes me want to cry. idk why i have to have such a hard time w food. like i have enough already.  i always say that...but its true. i dont need an ed. my whole life has been a huge f***ing struggle w food and i hate it. im over it. completely over it... ig me being "over it" doesnt really matter bc its still here. itll always be here.  crap, i needed 2 more games! i need coins on cod. ig i'll be back later.  imma tell jaden to stop singing now lol we have to get back to gaming. ok bye!   1 Comments

11/18/2019 01:59 AM  :•( Current mood:  disappointed üHhH D; iM oN mY oWn ¡ÄGÄÏN! wHeN wiLl i aCtuAlLy hAve gOod fRiEnds?? i aLwAys gEt sCreWed oVeR:((( nOt fAiR-_- 2 Comments

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