Who Said I Cared?
(im just gonna say it now, this post is not directed towards anyone on here. y'all are lovely people. i just need a place to publicly vent where this person won't see it.)
who ever said i cared about you? HAH. me. my stupid ass did. you were so cool and kind and one of my best friends back in the day, but now you're just a mess. yeah, i get it. people change over time and that's okay.
who said you would still be the person today that you were in 2016? nobody. because people change, and that's okay. but who said you would be the reason i can't enjoy ANYTHING, even though i have no clue why? who said i would get so upset about a fake person just because i know what you used to be like? you wouldn't have done this in 2016. you wouldn't have made a freakshow out of one of my most honest and real friendships.
who said there would be no room for me in my own places? who said HE had to be in on all of our inside jokes? GOD if you could just close your f**king mouth for FIVE SECONDS and i wouldn't have to hear his name or hear about any of whatever you two do together, that would be great. just give me the opportunity to breathe, and i'll get enough air to fill both of our lungs. just let our friendship be ours and ours alone. that's all i want.
and another thing. i have never been assertive. i have never stood up for myself in the face of someone i love, and you know this. you've seen my blog. you've seen all those little posts tagged #vague, and they've just gone right under your nose cause your head is so far up your ass, you couldn't even recognize that THEY'RE ALL ABOUT YOU FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! you don't even TRY and you act like everything is fine when it's NOT FINE!!! YOU NEVER CHECKED UP ON ME!!!! YOU NEVER ASKED HOW I WAS FEELING!!! and when you tried to KILL YOURSELF????? yeah, I cared!!!! of course i cared! you're my BEST ONLINE FRIEND!!!! but i am so scared of you and your sharp tongue that i can't say anything to you without hiding behind tags on tumblr. i hate it.
let me spell it out. EMPATHY. i never know how you feel and you never know how i feel. quite frankly i don't really even WANT TO until you feel some form of that sneaky little seven letter word. yeah i get that it's not your strong suit and i understand, but someone with VERY low empathy and a lonely f**king LITERAL EMPATH who just wants to be loved and heard and understood??? that's gonna be HARD. how oblivious do you have to be, really???? how much longer will you go until you at least pretend to have some kind of sympathy or- god forbid- EMPATHY for your self-proclaimed best friend???
honestly, i think it would be for the better if you just never spoke to me again. of course i'll never tell you that and of course i wouldn't even DREAM of saying it, but maybe you and him should stay in your own little corner together. you're so similar and i am so different from you and your friends. that's why i left. i now know what macy felt like and god forbid i feel SOME KIND OF PITY for her!!!! but i still do!!! you are so cruel and you don't even realize it!! it gives me this awful feeling in my chest that maybe it's not meant to be!!! maybe i should disappear again, who knows!!! at least this time around, i know WHY everything you do makes my heart burn.
so yeah. that's all i have to say to you but never will. i'll stay in my line and you'll never stay in yours, but i'll leave you with this.
don't assume i care. because you obviously don't.