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identity
Current mood:
 cold
i feel like i'm constantly like in a funk, like i have no idea what my identity is, how it relates to the people and world around me idk if it's the bdp talking or if the restlessness sticks deeper into another unresolved trauma i still haven't gotten around to ... man i wish it was easier, like some msg came into my inbox, that told me EXACTLY who i was and was supposed to be, and that would be it? i'm not sure about anything at all!!!
i'm even reaching a point where i'm questioning my sexuality, just because i'm so damn insecure, but i can't really do much about it really??? i don't want to date guys, be with them or just ugh, but i know 0% gay ppl around me because of you guessed it! this is a rather small town, conservative and full of gang-related violence, where i at times don't feel safe even walking in broad daylight, if it wasn't for the fact, that'm trying really hard to seem intimidating, so ppl will leave me alone.
think that's also why i'm alone atm, ppl have told me i'm intimidating, too much and "weirdly creepy". okay... but those ppl are the same that bullied me in middle school for reading ... for reading more than whatever our teachers gave us. reading ... i got bullied for reading??? for a long time being a weird nerd was my identity, now it feels more like it's the depressed big sis who's stuck in her emo phase forever. i don't know how to move, especially not from how much of a hit my mental health have taken, more like hits, but last year at this time i was in the hospital after a suicide attempt, so i guess i'm doing great in that category, as i haven't seen the inside of a psych ward, hospital or doctors office for almost 3 months now.
why is being alive so hard???
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amused
