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April 19th, 2019

Gender: Other
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Age: 19
Country: United States

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November 22, 2018



01/01/2019 04:25 PM 

borderline personality disorder

1 January 2019

So it's 2019. time passes so, so, so quickly – I always note the year in my documents, reading log and political predictions and such things, without ever feeling as though it was really relevant. the fact that I'm going to see that switch over now seems like something that would've have occurred to me, maybe because I didn't really believe my predictions log would ever last that long (even if long in this case is two months).

I've been reading about borderline personality disorder, of course, with impulsivity and emotional lability that matches some of what I've observed from XR, but certain symptoms – like irregular paranoid psychosis in times of high emotions, or depersonalization and dissociation – are foreign to me, both in my own experience and in my observation with XR, while others are immensely relatable. I arguably met the minimum criteria described in the DSM-V for diagnosis, so found reliable sources online with screening tools; all three said I should be evaluated by a professional for borderline personality, given the dysfunctions I displayed. the assessment I liked best was the PID-5, which I believe is the inventory for any personality disorder as described by the DSM-V. my results are as follow:

  • traits:

    • normal: anxiousness, eccentricity, emotional lability, intimacy avoidance, manipulativeness, perceptual dysregulation, perseveration, rigid perfectionism, suspiciousness, unusual beliefs & experiences

    • moderate dysfunction: attention-seeking, callousness, deceitfulness, distractibility, grandiosity, hostility, impulsivity, irresponsibility, restricted affectivity, risk-taking, separation insecurity

    • severe dysfunction: anhedonia, depressivity, submissiveness, withdrawal

  • trait domains:

    • normal:negative affect (emotional lability, anxiousness, separation insecurity), antagonism (manipulativeness, deceitfulness, grandiosity), psychoticism (unusual beliefs & experiences, eccentricity, perceptual dysregulation

    • moderate dysfunction: detachment (withdrawal, anhedonia, intimacy avoidance), disinhibition (irresponsibility, impulsivity, distractibility)

  • personality disorders:

    • criteria not met: avoidant, obsessive-compulsive, schizotypal

    • criteria met: antisocial, borderline, narcissistic

I could talk to a medical professional, but I'm ambivalent about that idea. of course, the idea of a new avenue of progress to fix some of my issues is seductive at worst and life-saving at best, in terms of saving the course of my life from myself more than in terms of keeping me from suicide – suicide has never really been a threat, since no matter how much I want it, my concern for XR, what would happen if I failed, and my fear of death collectively function well as a bulwark. I should talk to someone, I suppose. I don't want to. my experience with ANTL doesn't foster trust in Truman UCS's ability to provide help or appropriate resources generally.

we were supposed to leave today, head back home – thank god and every atom in the universe it's only been 2 weeks of the full month out of school. I don't ever want to return to Truman, no matter how badly I want a cigarette. why we stayed behind one day more is altogether unclear, although the drive is likely to be longer tomorrow than the normal 12 hours because of wrecks on the highway we normally use and the detours arising from winter weather we'll be forced to take.

there's hope in me that I do have a personality disorder. not one of the easier classes of disorders to treat, but it would explain my everyday dysfunctions, would open a path to seek help not normally available to me, would excuse me for asking for assistance where auxiliary support wouldn't otherwise be merited in the view of a prideful, contemptuous society of the people I'm surrounded by, or maybe in the view of a prideful, contemptuous child who refuses to change their behavior in favor of a romantic idea of strength.

song of the day: Flatland, Tunng

12/29/2018 10:22 AM 

high as the horses' bridles

28 Dec 2018

not much has happened today. I finished Worm and began reading High as the Horses' Bridles, which is written in the peculiar agrammatical penmanship of a literary classic. I elected to pretend sickness this morning to avoid a volunteering opportunity, for reasons I've espoused to a number of people – really, there are better volunteering experiences than this. (I was validated afterward as well: apparently they were tasked with sorting rotten from fresh produce, which is ofc disgusting.)

I become deeply envious when I see couples in public, esp. two boys I imagine could be a couple, or obviously are. of course, that raises questions about the way I present my gender to others. for months now I've thought the closest thing to a label that would describe me is nonbinary, since I don't identify exclusively with either of the binary genders (although I also don't identify with any third gender, however abstract the idea may be, so... bigender?). despite myself, I'm still in love with the ragged, weary, damaged boy with a cigarette and blood droplet hanging from his cut lip – would it be so bad to be a cis guy? and then my mind turns to the name Rose and the she/her pronouns I request people online use, and I enjoy those, too, prefer them to being called he/him all the time. so some mix of the two, I suppose. I like wearing women's clothing, too, but how much of that is fulfilling a gender role I want to fulfill and how much is just liking skirts and dresses, independent of gender ideals?

either way, far from the definition of a trans girl although it's the most convenient appellation in many contexts, the same way I introduce myself as gay to people I know and am comfortable with irl although it doesn't describe me in full, or completely accurately.

three things I'm grateful for:

  • turns out I really like the red stuff drink at Satellite Cafe

  • we're getting pizza tonight... praise be

  • more people who're active on Becque's server, and they seem fun. I can be a lonely person intermittently and irregularly, and this sort of thing really helps, I think

song of the day: Dance Floor Anthem, Good Charlotte

12/27/2018 03:58 PM 

reversion to the mean

27 December 2018

there were a few things I wanted to talk about last night, as I tried to sleep. being fat, psychological problems with food, feeling purposeless and my fear of the future, things like that. probably one or two other things I haven't mentioned.

If I didn't already know what time it was, I'd bet ably I've spent the majority of my time today participating in some part of the process of producing firewood for HO. it's what my perception suggests, though I know I've been up since 8AM and have only spent 3 hrs at most (out of 7 waking hours by now). tonight we'll be seeing a movie, Welcome to Marwen or Mary Poppins Returns or, if I'm less lucky, AA won't have remembered my choices and TN won't have wielded any influence in my favor and I'll be pulled along to watch the Spiderverse movie, when I'm already ambivalent at best about seeing a movie that might actually be good. (I don't really like movies. TV shows have the time to build a decent world and characters and plot, and movies have nothing in particular.)

nearly finished rereading Worm – I'm on the last chapter of the last arc rn. I bought a book about borderline personality disorder yesterday, and will probably compare it to XR by self-survey (not the most objective format, I know, but it wouldn't be objectively accurate if someone in love with him who still doesn't see him every day filled it out either). also, a better planner, a book about statistics by Nate Silver, The Band Played On, and a separate book about American history I don't remember as well. I'd like to think I'm making decent progress on my reading list, but of course I've purchased four books since getting here (blame Father Christmas, not me) and and finished one.

We may go to Santa Fe on New Year's Eve.  maybe I'll see if anyone in Becque's server is in NM  uwu

3 things I'm grateful for today:

  • got hot chocolate from Starbucks. I could do that any time I have $4, but it's still nice

  • despite myself, I'm pleased about getting more books from B&N. esp. the planner

  • finishing Worm!

12/27/2018 03:51 PM 

is crimun

25 December 2018

Christmas haul was disappointing; no surprise. This being immediately after I got my hopes up for days, knowing I shouldn't, knowing it wouldn't be worth it; there are texts I can provide to prove I knew it would be worse if I were excited, to prove I knew I shouldn't be. XR thought it was cute, so that's something. Of course there's not long-term consequences directly of getting sh*tty presents; that's not what I'm concerned about. I'm concerned about the fact I was disappointed. I know by now not to expect my family to know much about me – perhaps that I'm a liberal ideologue and theoretically bipartisan actor. But the gifts I was given were largely useless, literally without any use to myself – I already have one or I have something that fulfills the same purpose, better. I'm distressed that my family thinks I'm the same person I was back when I would've appreciated some of these gifts, years ago.

I'm not 13 years old. It's insulting to still be receiving merchandise with snarky slogans on them like "I'm silently correcting your grammar." Shouldn't that be obvious? And if it's not, let me stew in my self-pity anyhow. I don't act like that toward them; there's no facade I put on to cover the fact that I'm hiding information or parts of myself, atheist or not straight or the various other appellations I use for myself. I feel like a ghost (although this is increasingly true even with people I don't hide from, but my lack of personality is a different discussion). That's the main gist.

Then there's things that show a forward lack of thought whatsoever. TN and I each received six or eight packages of Maruchan ramen, not vegetarian. A perusal of the ingredients list would've illuminated this for AZ, who purchased them for us (beef extract, if I remember correctly). Is it petty to hold this against them? Yes, I think it's unambiguously petty. I won't hold it against them, haven't held it against any of AA's family for as long as I've understood how little they understand what vegetarianism is, let alone how little they sympathize with my reasoning. Of course I don't lecture, have never been asked to explain myself; there's already an undeserved stereotype of self-righteousness to people who restrict their diets (unless it's a religious restriction; even Jewish people, that historically despised minority, to the best of my knowledge aren't ridiculed for not eating pork. Having said that, I've heard highly-restricted Christians targeted before – puritanism is the fear that someone, somewhere out there, may be happy. Is this connected to the preponderance of unrestricted Protestantism in America?). I won't hold it against them, and I haven't. But doesn't it raise questions that they can't wrap their heads around the concept of not eating meat? HO tried to put beef stock in a dish meant to be vegetarian earlier this week because she didn't realize beef stock wasn't vegetarian.

But, of course, I've been eating Maruchan under the mistaken impression it was vegetarian. I read over the ingredients list three times myself and didn't catch the beef extract, so best not to make any claims about more relative alacrity than AZ. I don't see any particular reason to think I'm smarter than her, or more alert. HO, I have a different impression of. But who knows? I'm not going to administer an intelligence test to the both of us, and more immediately, I'm not prepared to trust one. TN said he'd give me his ramen so I could eat it while at Truman; I haven't decided whether I will. Perhaps I'll try to regift it, as I'll certainly regift some of the other things I have. Maybe I'll honestly tell AD she's seemed withdrawn and offer one of the things I received as a gift, to coax her back into interacting with the dorm. We can always hope she'll be more restrained in her expression about KNJH's attractiveness or her own distress (which she normally expresses with moderately loud screaming, of course) now that she's been punished socially by public rebuke in the group chat. No matter how hard everyone wants to get along, someone always has to be hurt, often first early on and frequently thereafter.

I'm worried for XR, of course, as always. That's not a knock against him. I love him more than anything else; I would burn it all down for him, wouldn't want any of it anyway in the face of losing him. And I have so much anger and bitterness at circumstances anyway. He's not sleeping well, of course.

Watched Beetlejuice for the second time last night, this time with TN. He seemed to have no strong opinion about it; apparently there's a spin-off animation that arose on ABC after the film was made wherein Lydia is Betelgeuse's wife, against the continuity of the movie, and a musical production which began in 2018. We followed this with The House With a Clock in its Walls, or something like that, which was bland, melodramatic, and stocked with completely flat characters, but AA liked it, and HO had been wanting to see it.

3 things I'm grateful for today:

  • more shampoo and conditioner, even if it's two-in-one. I'll need extra shampoo shortly, and I'll be glad not to use tea tree infused shampoo and conditioner now that it's much cooler in Kirksville

  • sex dream about Becquerel last night. can't complain about that

  • AZ gifted me more tea. substantially more tea. I certainly can complain about this, since I have an overload of tea both in the dorm and at home, but it is bagged, meaning I can drink it more than once a day, unlike any of my loose leaf teas and like the single bagged tea variety I currently have in my dorm (Irish Breakfast, I think), so I'll count that as a plus overall

12/23/2018 02:58 PM 

christmas eve eve

23 December 2018
I don't have much time.  the main takeaway from this: someday, hopefully someday soon, I'll just excommunicate AA and my entire life will be better for it.  every interaction with her leads to inarticulate, but leashed fury. 

I'm in New Mexico now.  I'm trying to finish Worm, then read Pact and the three books I brought (House of Leaves, Ghost Wars: The Secret History of the CIA, Afghanistan, and Bin Laden, and a book about a pastor's son I don't remember the title of), and once I got tired of notating Worm this morning I switched to tagging in Hydrus.  I hope to god I can call XR sometime soon -- I meant to do it this morning and I didn't set an alarm last night.  A**hole.  it's been a while since I was able to sleep without waking up five or six times and longer since XR and I had sex, and I feel as though we're not capable of comforting each other the way we used to, or we ran out of ways to do it verbally and now everything is so repetitive it sounds hollow.  it's nice to have him present, though, and he seems to reciprocate this idea. 

I'm worried about my finances.  I really need to get a paying job at Truman. 

I do feel calmer now that I've taken the time to write this up and taken the psychological capacity to sort my thoughts. 

3 things I'm grateful for today:
  • getting even 30 minutes of internet to download new maps and podcast episodes, check email, and write another diary entry for the first time in a while
  • some hours to read
  • being born in the upper middle class

12/13/2018 08:23 PM 

finawwy fwee... xd

13 Dec 2018
the title of this is a quote from myself from earlier today. 

I've been doing finals.  it's looking like I'll have a mix of As, Bs, and Cs for my first semester -- not a good sign for future performance, but I really couldn't care much less than I already don't.  I've also been sleeping a lot in recent days, perhaps attributable to a diet consisting only of Kraft mac-and-cheese, Pizza Hut, and Rice-a-Roni over the past 1.5 weeks (2?), perhaps attributable to having no agenda in recent times (that's not true -- I could read, catch up on news, &c., but I've tried the latter and found myself uninterested and just haven't tried the former). 

this kid on the server said he would doxx me a few days ago.  I chilled in ER's and ATKG's room for maybe an hour, took advantage of a vape ATKG had stolen from her girlfriend while visiting over a recent weekend or break, and downed half a Xanax courtesy of ER (stolen from ATKG, admittedly).  told ER I wanted to slit my wrists, but didn't because I didn't have any loose razor blades.  that wasn't strictly true -- I had pretty much decided I would wait a few days and see what happened.  at most, he had my email and real name from my PayPal (and maybe my likeness, from the profile picture).  if he decides to in coming days, I suppose I'll find out then. 

for now I'm just here waiting for winter break. 

I've not been logging calories in my application -- I have been doing it in a txt document on my computer though.  during Thanksgiving break I went over consistently, so I expect Christmas break will be the same.  I'm still holding out hope that when I live alone I'll be able to track this sort of thing better because of groceries. 

song of the day: The War Song, Joe Iconis

12/07/2018 12:49 PM 

dancing with death, I suppose
Current mood:  uncomfortable

7 December 2018

another piece of favor pried from the throat of a gift horse.  I missed the logic final -- wasn't it supposed to be scheduled for like 3:30PM? -- because of being up 'till 1AM.  (according to ER and NNRW it was easy.)  at least I have one more chance to take it.  and then I was a couple minutes late to psych and KA told me (and AR, who was also there and in the same predicament -- not late, but without a calculator) to come back the next hour to take the free-response stats test.  it seemed relatively easy, although I might've f***ed up on part of the last question.  when I went to turn it in, he said he was missing two homeworks from me.  I agreed that he was, and he either said something to the effect of "That's fine," or "That's not fine," and I don't know which it was.  regardless, I shot off an email pretty soon after I got back to the dorm about the position he offered me reading student papers.  he said before it was mine if I wanted it, so hopefully he'll follow through...?

I'll update more as more happens throughout the day. 

things I'm pleased about: 
  • AR is talking more -- when we got back to the dorm to pick up calculators and YNCS saw me with AR, she asked why AR was talking to me when she wasn't talking to the rest of the dorm.  I explained what had happened in psych and also mentioned we'd been studying psych together in months prior, and YNCS accepted that.  having said this, AR did come out afterward and speak with NNJH, YNCS, and myself in the lounge.  (she had asked if anyone said anything about her in the lounge, and I said around two weeks ago one of them mentioned they'd heard her crying in her dorm on the phone, then said people probably heard me crying last night, for solidarity.  she later mentioned she'd been crying on the phone earlier because she was calling her parents about not getting into any (or maybe just enough) psych classes next semester, which may be the time people were talking about.)
  • KA didn't have to let me take the test.  and the offered job is a godsend. 

12/06/2018 10:19 PM 

tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day
Current mood:  relieved

6 December 2018

Dear reader,
I gave the speech.  It was always a terrible speech if one wanted evidence and reason -- for public speaking, it was better than most of the other speeches I heard.  A bit disjointed, and the performance probably a bit stilted -- I caught myself resigning to a rather flat affect in reciting it where I was swapping out theatricality for ability to remember with reasonable celerity.  Unfortunately, I began feeling nervous in earnest about thirty minutes prior to the speech and I had half a cigarette, listened to some of Things to Ruin (which is where the song of the day comes from, yesterday and today).  And after the speech was given I spoke with two of my classmates who sit proximally to myself.  They seemed pleased by it.  I've mentioned this already, but I absolutely hated it.  Worthless piece of sh*t papers.  Frankly, getting a better grade than everyone around you hardly matters in terms of what it reflects about your skill level.  Oh, how elitist of me. 
Then after the speech I pled with AS to waive the late penalty on my speech outline (and one other thing related to the persuasive speech?  I don't remember exactly what it was now); she gave me that waiving very, very readily.  And then asked whether I needed to talk (or maybe did that before I made the request), said I seemed "out-of-sorts", which is an emotion I was definitely trying to emulate.  I told her TA tried to kill himself and didn't succeed (without giving a name or even relation to me, or any more information except that he's a he), that I was sort of used to that sort of thing, overblew how much I was affected by it, and, of course, didn't mention that happened much earlier this year than a week or two ago when the speech outline was due.  I do what I have to to get an advantage. 
Consider it a leveling of the playing field when I'm dealing with serious avolition. 
Just before I went into AS's office, another classmate, RNTK (the RN mentioned in post(s) before this is RNCC), actually asked what I thought of his speech, since he claimed to watch his audience when he presented and said I had some interesting reactions, or something like that.  (His speech was a proposition we should institute affirmative action at Truman.)  I said a few different things, received various replies to the effect of "You're deflecting," which was true, and eventually said I didn't know enough to provide an informed opinion on affirmative action.  Not sure he believed me.  Not sure I would've believed me.  If he did, I look boring as hell -- which is just as well, I suppose.  And he came out to me at the end ("From one gay man to another," or something like that), but I really don't think he needed to.  I've been assuming he was gay since he first opened his mouth at the beginning of the year.  I really have to get to the bottom of this whole gay voice thing.  Or I could not.  But I'm quite curious about it. 

three things I'm pleased about: 
  • AS waiving my late penalty
  • no longer having to worry about that speech
  • going to logic tomorrow (it's become a much more fun and interesting class since we started studying logical fallacies)
Song of the day: Mama, Cut Me Deeper, Eric William Morris

12/05/2018 10:36 PM 

15 November 2018

15 November 2018

D&D last night was relatively fun, but ESCW seems to still be mad at me because my character looted something and then only offered to give it to his if he paid her.  I rescinded this in the D&D chat last night and said she’d distribute anything she loots in the future as I see equitable, which didn’t seem to change his demeanor.  maybe he thinks I’m being condescending?

I feel worse about ANTL rejecting me than I expected to or did yesterday, possibly triggered by trying to write my persuasive speech outline (due tonight).  thankfully, my need to justify not doing it at least means I’m doing my backed-up psych and precal now.  thank god freshman year is a complete blow-off.  regardless, it feels like an overwhelming workload, since I have no interest whatsoever in any of my classwork.  I don’t even want to write an essay on increasing voter turnout, which should be really exciting to me.  I’d really rather just kill myself than fail out of this school for lack of motivation.  I don’t know whether I’d be happier if I had friends – or more able to actually get my homework done, for that matter – but living in the dorms isn’t really guaranteeing that the way I’d hoped it would, even as I interact with them on a regular basis.  at least I have a pretty good rapport with EE, I think. 

I probably just won’t send AA's birthday card.  I don’t really care about it and I don’t want to go out.  I do need to pick up the Truvada at some point, theoretically. 

12/05/2018 10:33 PM 

13 November 2018

13 November 2018

not much happened today.  I did the assignments that are due tomorrow (0:40 hr:mm).  persuasive speech outline is supposed to be done by 1:30PM Thursday for class, but idk whether I’ll do it then. 

I don’t really want to go to counseling tomorrow.  at worst, I’m dissatisfied.  I don’t have my razor blades and for the most part I don’t want to cut myself anyway.  at least I finally showered, so my hair looks a lot better, and I feel better about going out in public having shaved.  I’m utterly dissatisfied.  it feels like everything is happening to me and I’m not… anything.  just some amorphous, vaguely sentient existence without much feeling. 

f***ing RN asked whether I was feeling okay because ‘you’ve been quiet lately,’ or something like that.  i did my usual bit (went with “physically?” instead of “spiritually?”.  might have been more extra than normal since he does exercise science) and he specified at least mentally, so I said yes.  he tried to hold a conversation with me, which I entertained for a bit, and then cut off once our paths diverged naturally.  what’s he playing at?

also tried to give blood today – and succeeded some.  they couldn’t find the vein in my left arm, switched to the right, stuck me a few times, switched back to the left, managed to get some blood out, and… couldn’t get enough?  I didn’t bother to ask.  hopefully the amount they got was good enough, but I doubt I have any way of finding out now, and I don’t really care anyway. 

after comms I stayed behind at Barnett for a mindfulness exercise (SONA study), although what we actually did was guided meditation (isn’t visualizing an experience separate from one’s body the opposite of mindfulness?).  it was unpleasant.  I was more irritated when we were done than when we began bc of the waste of my time.  hopefully there are better tracks out there than the one we listened to. 

I actually sent XR some dominant messages bc I feel badly about being sub all the time, esp. considering that might be why he never wants to f*** anymore.  he responded positively, so that’s nice.  I should keep that up, or at least do that kind of thing more often.  he’s dropping out of drama next year and he’ll stay in the library instead, so hopefully he can do his homework there.  I remain unclear on the status of his assignments generally, even if I know he’s not that good at grades overall based on what I’ve seen. 

went over my calorie count again by ~50. 


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