Last Login:
January 7th, 2018

Gender: Other
Status: Single
Age: 15
Country: United States

Signup Date:
December 31, 2017


01/05/2018 01:33 PM 

Identify, Oh, But How, Or Why?

I spent more of my preteen years worrying about who I was than wondering and wandering through the possibilities of who to be. So long, fixated, and I still am. An uncontrollable wishing for a home, a place to belong, and identity to feel safe in. Continuing far longer than any journey I have ever taken. I spent so long under different labels, changing myself to fit so perfectly, but I have learned much more about what it means to be human as the years have gone by.

I am young, very young, younger than most. And I do not claim to be better, more mature, or more experienced, than any. I speak only from what I know, what I have learned, and what I have done, whatever that may be.

I remember a version of myself, younger than I am now, locking myself in my room to cry over a notebook with the words "I wish I was anywhere else but here" written over and oven until my hand was unwilling to keep writing. And now I am here, still locking myself in my room, but to listen to music, dance around my room, eat ice cream, and sing. I would still rather anything other than to be where I am right now, stuck between two walls, literally and figuratively, with the voices from both sides caving me in until I'm sat on the floor with my hands to my ears, shaking. But I have learned that there are more ways to block out the sound of what is painful other than indulging yourself in the pain.

I have turned to communities over time, labels, "scenes". I have learned that it is not just about finding who you are or finding who you want to be, it is about balancing the two. As I continue to move along, pose, create what I feel suites me best for who I am and who I want to be at that time, I will create a history behind me of things I felt safe as. All the things that have helped me feel alive even when everything around me feels like it's dragging me down.

So although identities are hard, and we keep learning to lose our minds over who we are, I have learned that identities are long learned, some lived, and remade, over time. But for you? Who knows. Perhaps, identities are different for you. I wish you the best in luck in yours.

01/02/2018 03:06 PM 

New Years Poem
Current mood:  nostalgic

Fireworks :

To a year you'll never see.
To a year I'll never walk alone,
but never by your side.
To a year of a billion people,
but not of you.
To a million falling fireworks
just like you
to wish upon
a happy new year
But your fallen ashes
have them furnished
into stardust
To fall back onto
Earth for
one last day
To see just one more day
To live just one more life
To feel just one more time

Oh well
I'll see you again
On the 4th of July.

12/31/2017 09:41 PM 

Happy NYE (not the bill kind) to the people who are still in 2017 (also welcome me to FP)
Current mood:  cynical

Heya humans or other creatures who may or may not inhabit this here website/forum/social media/literally myspace but approximately 10x less put together. I'm Emil, 14, nonbinary, pansexual, and all around existantial mess of a part time alien. Nice to meet you. 

Happy New Years Eve or New Years Day or happy day if you don't celebrate it I guess. What am I doing? Honestly, I have no clue. I was actually invited to a New Years thing which is weird becausd I never get invited to stuff (and I never go on the rare occassion that i do) but may as well give it a shot we're all a little awkward here. What are you guys doing? Also what do you think about fireworks? I have a whole metaphor around fireworks, so they make me very sad, but also very happy, it's a bit weird. But they're loud and scary and kinda terrify me so that's slightly annoying.

Uhhh anyways so that's my introduction to this site, first day here, nice to meet you all even though I basically know none of you BUT that could change if you message me or friend me and maybe we can get to know eachother or something. Have a relatively not completely sh*tty day! 🖤

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