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Existential Depression
Current mood:
 talkative
10 years ago I did not know what my purpose in life was. I grew up confined to a tiny apartment with three other hussies and could not/would not get involved with them. I was certainly depressed - webbing out to reasons such as school grades (I was smart but had f***ed up so bad I knew that my expulsion was imminent), I had developed a pill addiction on medications that my mother herself was taking for what I now believe was her own existential crisis, and the bow of this package was my overall teenage angst.
10 years ago I decided to take as many pills as I found in the bottles in a calm hope that my year 18 would not come around.
Instead, I lay aware of my surroundings and unable to do anything, physically or mentally for three whole days. My mother never thought of taking me to the ER. But for three days I heard my sister asking if I was okay, as I lay in bed unable to answer and myself wondering if this was a dream or not. I lay as my cousin that lived with us asked my mom why I had not gotten up to eat for three days or even use the restroom. I lay as my mother in almost calm exasperation explained that she did not know what was wrong with my lazy-ass.
And towards the end of the third day I gathered enough inner strength to open my eyes and realize that I needed to pee. It took a whole other four days to come to terms with what had just happened. In those four days I realized that I hadn't really slept in three days... I realized that I was knocked out for that time, but never quite asleep... and I realized that none of the women I lived with had an intention to address the issue of what had just happened.
As cliche as the previous and the following will look, I made a commitment to myself that I would have to find a way to keep myself busy moving forward. Busy enough to distract myself from my own thoughts. To not give myself time to delve into my own mind... to fool myself that what I was doing was reason enough to not go kill myself ("for now") until my task at hand was completed. But every time I finished my task, I had tricked myself into embarking onto something new. Always busy, no time for anything else.
That was 10 years ago when I was 17.
Fast forward to today and things have changed as much as they have needed to for me to be situated where I am.
Three years later, I met my niece as she exited her mother's womb and that child has given me inner light and peace. I love her so much and am grateful for her every day of my life. That same year I started a relationship with the man that has since then taken my heart and tendered it with nothing but love and trust and a curious sense of endearing entitlement. I have moved in with this man and we have lived together for nearly six years. We've gotten a cat - completely accidental but a blessing in itself as she entered my life in a moment when a dark cloud was passing in my direction. We've gone through new used sh*tty cars and have recently (lol, like three years ago) purchased a reliable new used car that we love. I've traveled to places I never imagined I would have... and they're all within the country so I can only imagine what the world will be like when I explore it. I've landed the job of my dreams and have ambitions of being able to do more. I've found and met my father and an additional two sisters and baby brother whom I love very much. I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight from the experience of being a broke-ass who can only afford a cup of noodles and the dollar menu, and later more weight from making a steady income and being able to eat all of the good food that the world has to offer. I've lost a ridiculous amount of weight from one day realizing that I went overboard with the food and became one of "those" people that change their lifestyle to live healthier and will never look back. I've finally dyed my hair a crazy color - purple - and plan on exploring nearly every color under the color spectrum before black again.
And there's so many things in between all of that that I am not sure what is next.
Why am I putting all of this out there?
Because over the past few months... almost a year now, I've slowly been dreading my mornings and have begun questioning my routine as I did 10 years ago. I sought some therapy but I will be honest... it's not for me and I may give it another try in the future... but right now I don't want to talk about my inner thoughts with another person nor do I care to discuss. I've recently thought about my childhood, my mom, my dad, what my life was before I had to grow up and everything since.
I've felt done with.
And then there's better days, in which I will find myself in better spirits and not feel like I don't want to be here.
And I've had to remember that 10 years ago, the attempt did not work, but getting to know myself a little better did.
So I guess what I'm trying to say is... you have to believe in yourself. Know that you are worth something. Even if you feel worthless... you and only you have to be that friend that talks yourself out of doing something irreversible or stupid.
You are the friend in you that will get you through this. You are also not alone. Millions of people in the world are going through questions of their existence - and it is okay, and it will be okay, and you will be okay.
I wish I could end on a happy note but my happy note is that we are both here, and it's reason enough to celebrate. Forget about your thoughts for a moment, and go do something nice for a loved one, anything you know that they will find meaningful. You do not understand how much you are loved, and you never will. But the only person who can ultimately love you more than anyone else in your life, is you.
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satisfied
grateful
enlightened