06/30/2019 04:37 PM  i was gonna use this for like a post of mario kart wii map reviews at some point i just got all lazy n sh*t tho 0 Comments

06/30/2019 04:37 PM  i cant stop thinking about scratch aosth i am going to possess his body one day 0 Comments

04/23/2019 04:37 PM  e*mo*tion today i felt things (anger) since i was being a dummy that wasn't doing my homework and got interrupted when i was going to start doing it and i got super yelly at mouse on call and stuff and rose left before i got to that point and i can hardly remember what i did to do that cos i just get interrupted with anger memories. i think i was just being argumentative? and not doing anything with my time. i needed to gear myself up for it or whatever and it wasn't at the right time and i think i did pretty good with writing it afterwards and there wasn't a need to get as angry as i did which is unfortunate cos i made everyone around me sad how much emotion feeling is normal? i cant super tell what im feeling most of the time unless it results in a physical sensation like that anger did i think but most of the time i cant put a face to an emotion name. apparently stress is any negative emotion thing (anger, sadness, fear) and not just emotions and situations that make you need to scream wordlessly (anxiety, fear)? i should maybe be able to know this definition inherently and i do not like that it is not inherent. i dont want to waste dad's money on trying to get me other therapist-like people in order to make me able to know if im feeling emotions properly since the psychiatrist is most likely useless for that and isnt trustworthy anyway and we dont see the gender therapist psychologist often enough to double dip on what skills he may have with this. after i was angry, i kind of ran out of energy and took either a half nap or a real nap - i dont remember if i went to sleep properly since i could still remember all of the MBMBaM episode i was listening to at the time. i think that the anger may have been a meltdown? it would have been due to a scheduling shift up that i was not used to or had full knowledge over what was happening with, and i guess it would lend more credence to a diagnosis befitting of it. but it just means im even more of a burden than before. dads coming home soon since blazing swan just ended, so i may be going back home. part of why he went up early was to save on food costs since he'd just be eating from the kitchen there and not buying new food for the actual house. i dont want to be a waste of money with my behaviours and stuff. i think theres something worrying about how i can stay up this late to write this and im planning on taking my meds tomorrow to do more homework too. all nighters with stimulants seem bad. this does not seem good. i dont know if ive actually got adhd or if i got it in post since i was hyperactive once at the psychiatrist's and she hooked me up right away. im useless without them now anyway, i can hardly do anything productive when i havent taken them. is that learned helplessness or an actual requirement or what? god i would like to not do like school or work things with my life. im not that sort of person, i dont think i could do that. i cant get myself hooked up with a job cos im autistic as hell re:that and i cant focus good enough to do anything productive in school all i need to do is get myself a plane ticket and a road trip to pick up rose and mouse and im all set for life 0 Comments

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02/21/2019 06:25 PM  Reality is overrated Maybe certain people aren't supposed to exist cos they don't contribute anything to the world. They just take and take and hurt through negligence or deliberance 0 Comments

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12/24/2018 12:36 PM  Sleep is hard Janus asked me to go to the ball thing with her cos I'm her client male friend yesterday cos I asked her for info on when it was cos going seemed good and I wanted to show off suit jacket coat thing that was made for me and I'm partially excited for that but that was a while ago in the day comparatively but a gifset I saw on Tumblr made me really really wanna kiss Rose a ton and the actual picture that made me want to do it is kinda dumb but it's not very good for excitement levels and that's why I can't sleep 1 Comments

12/07/2018 01:26 PM  diary ? Yesterday was cool I did actual things like paint and stuff and I 3D printed things and sanded other prints and had a fun time there Today's mood: mine craft May have made rose feel bad cos I didn't respond for a while after agreeing that self harm / pushing self to edge limits lyrics were relatable but this was an accident and I'm blaming minercaft and a lack of vibration in my phone when power saving mode which is stupid currently playing 0 Comments

11/11/2018 09:06 PM  lyrics to a song I'll never write I don't need to treat you like the royalty you think you are If others saw how you see yourself they'd think that you're real bizzare Can't you see how your own inner view needs to be shed Don't you know it's all in your head, all in your head, yeah You're not important in the grand scheme of things Any effort put into you won't amount to anything I'd like to separate you from your support net - see if you sink or swim I might be jealous now but hearing you failed would be sweeter than any hymn I think it'd be poetic, if you chose to take your life Alone and pathetic, too much internal strife Looking down to the highway, in the middle of liftoff Then I'd know my old method was perfect, just my timing was off Keep yourself all holed up in the drama of the kin I'd love to see what happens when someone let's the sunlight in Sure I might be partially crazy too But at least I could hide it from other's view But I'm a god to your king, does this mean anything You're obsessive, possessive, and kind of a d*ck Even your best fan, your datefriend, thinks you're a massive prick "Moral puritanist, no one can change your mind" And with my mem'ry of you, all you do is whine, whine, whine Maybe if you weren't here I'd not know how my true colours show But I'd at least not have shown 'em off to everyone I know But I'd at least not be as lonely and have one extra true friend But I'd at least be a good person until the very end Oh yeah, what a shame, yeah, what a shame Your subpar looks ruined by the fact that you're insane But the fact's come through, the fact's come through The only use for you was so that I could meet a love that's true Don't remember why I thought you were ever worth my time Don't remember why I thought your face was truly fine Don't remember why I thought you deserved the crimes I did for you Just remember not remembering every little wrong thing I did to you I think it'd be poetic, if you chose to take your life Alone and pathetic, too much internal strife Looking down to the highway, in the middle of liftoff Then I'd know my old method was perfect, just my timing was off Keep yourself all holed up in the drama of the kin I'd love to see what happens when someone let's the sunlight in Sure I might be partially crazy too But at least I could hide it from other's view But you're a king to my god, and I know you're a hack-fraud 2 Comments

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