02/09/2021 11:07 AM  hero worship i am in love with a villain a man who would rather see his hands squeeze the air out of my throat than give it life a man whose sick pleasure derives from watching my twitching fingertips grasp at the collar of his shirt . . . but i won’t die for love so i press the edge of my blade against his neck “do it,” he whispers. “you won’t.” i dig it in deeper. “you can’t.” . . . and he’s right. everything i have ever stood for, destroyed by a pair of ocean eyes and expensive cologne. metal against marble and you’re on me in a second everything is on fire, but nothing burns i won’t die for love, but maybe i’ll char . . . “close, pumpkin.” you leave me dying in the water but the blood just draws you back i do not want to die for love. i want to live. “but not close enough.” st. abby 4 Comments

09/19/2020 10:09 PM  on acts of desperation when we look around to find ourselves surrounded by the void we often like to plunge our minds into fantasies to delude our hearts into believing we are loved but in reality our fists pound against windows trying to attract whoever lurks inside and soon the sorrow dulls the crack of your hand as you smash it into the glass  every sip of wine or drag of smoke or 50 storey drop  is just another beg to lure the attention of the one who ignores us most because the only way to feel their stare is to throw your body into the fire but even then the burn of their eyes is never a guarantee so our pain is in vain as our cries quiet to a silent, violent plea abby 0 Comments

07/16/2020 09:33 PM  from another perspective while i'm laying on the grass and looking up at the stars (iknowyoullbeamongthemoneday) your feet press into the concrete and stare across at stars too... you'll be sinking into bedsheets and gazing up into baby blues soon. say whatever it takes to turn out records we both know you're just giving me a taste of my own medicine. i'm not a summer home to escape to when it gets too heated in angel city if i knew you were a timeshare i wouldn't have signed the lease. the piercing midwest wind reminds you how long you've been gone. keep driving in the van that lets you play with bigger and better bands as you run out of space to place the newest notch in your belt. but when you come back to find a warm bed you'll be pointing fingers at me. x j x 0 Comments

07/07/2020 04:57 PM  why my heart beats and bleeds and yours doesn't sometimes i like to walk around in your shoes but then i remember to know better than to symapthise with you. my mind is like the tides with its ebbs and flows i want to give in. it floods i want to make you beg. it recedes constantly shifting around to find the middle ground between compliancy and obstinacy  but i am beginning to believe that it does not exist. what am i but another charm on your bracelet, only to toss away when i lose my shine? i know why my heart beats and bleeds and yours doesn't. because if you listen close you'll realise the only sound is the whirring of machines abby 0 Comments

06/15/2020 03:51 AM  friends. isn't it always friends and the funny thing is that i know i mean nothing to you. ten years and what is there to show for it? me building up an impenetrable dam to protect you from any drop of water that might slip through. because if there's a leak, i am terrified i will lose you. you have no idea what it's like living with the constant fear that anything i say or do will make you hate me. i'm the person who puts myself into everything that i do. i have learned to keep my heart locked in the safe i call a chest. yeah when you wonder what went wrong, look into the mirror to find your answer. the only time i hear how much you love me is when you smell like vodka. wake up call: that's not how you make someone feel cared for. next time tell it to me sober because god knows that'll be when hell freezes over. "I think that I have had enough... I know that I have had enough of you."  abby 0 Comments

04/24/2020 10:57 PM  exhausted i always defend you but what for? yeah you show how much you really love me the way you never make time for me good to know how little i mean to you. you have made me feel like an outsider in the place i was supposed to feel the safest my face is pressed up against the glass because you've locked the door again no one is home and i don't remember the last time it wasn't vacant when you speak to me once a week is that supposed to make me feel cared for? i feel more comfortable telling my secrets to strangers. what the  ̶f̶uck happened to you? your heart is an empty room.  abby, i guess 0 Comments

04/15/2020 08:32 PM  this isnt a poem i just realised that i am a bad person and i have no redeeming qualities and i curse everyone with my presence  i don't know if this is the truth or if i just need to take my medication  2 Comments

03/31/2020 08:02 PM  don't pretend to know me you fraud. i think you'll find that with a mouth like mine, not even your legs will want to support you. with your eyes on me i always feel so small even though you're the one who has to look up. i'm tired of always feeling lesser than you. i love you but with every breath i take your gaze burns me into nothing. i always feel like nothing. the only thing i learned today is that these moments are always sand through our fingers. and god i sure know how to make them slip faster. for eight years i've tricked myself into thinking i was someone that mattered. i'm sorry. i fear every movement i make is constantly under a microscope and with one wrong move i have the world at my throat. "i’m still playing different pictures in my head that aren’t so pleasant." the horrible realisation that no one knows me.  without you i have absolutely nothing.  for the first time i feel completely alone. "for god's sake don't talk to me. what do you want? money? here it is. don't ever talk to me again." 0 Comments

01/23/2020 02:38 PM  a face even a mother couldn't love just another day with candle wax boys believing that they are made of indestructible teflon... one match and you'll go down in flames 'cause they don't call me pyromaniac for nothin. you are not the first or the last or the prettiest. boys like you never know how easily you are replaced. don't get too comfortable because this time i'm the one gripping the neck. i control every inhale and exhale of your breath. sweetheart, you are dispensable and i think it's time for you to learn your place amongst my great hall of "disposables, once-dependables." you may find that i can be quite cruel.   xxxxxxx abby 0 Comments

01/11/2020 04:11 PM  please forget to fall down i've spent years chasing that green light but speeding over hills to get that rush of butterflies while blasting my chemical romance i can't help but think maybe this is happiness one day we'll look back and wonder why we didn't cherish these moments when we lived them it's hard to know when the good times are while you're still in them "when i see you smiling and singing back to me...  i’m still playing different pictures in my head that aren’t so pleasant. i’m doing my best to live in the song and not just the meaning." thanks ryan   love  a     b      b        y 1 Comments

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