04/12/2023 10:23 PM  is there a word for "bad miracle?" despite the image i have of myself in my head, i know i would have never believed cassandra. like caesar & the soothsayer  my doom is always in the cards no matter how close i try to keep them to my chest. a game of now vs. then ending in a stalemate same as i ever was, never doing what i should be. too eager to drown in the misery i sow for myself because it's the only thing these sinful hands know how to do. pen to the paper in desperation, calling out to empty caves only for echo to respond. seems like all i do is flucuate between despair & anger these days. (i've got the stained pillows to prove it) sorry this doesn't make sense, and never makes sense. and that reading these feels like tracing fingers over glyphs carved into clay tablets. i have to bury meanings 12 feet deep just to trick myself into thinking i've escaped the stares of the crowd. if you don't understand, then you can't see me for the person i really am. i'm terrified the world will one day pull off the wool i've placed over its eyes. loyal to a fault, forever the kicked dog that comes back. abby 0 Comments

04/12/2023 08:20 PM  for me, it was tuesday. it's funny, how the longer you stay away the more they love you when you return carrying you on their shoulders and waving palm leaves welcoming you into the city the golden boy back to reclaim the throne suddenly i can do no wrong i am beloved only when i am missed for far too long a classic case of "not realising what you have until it's gone" absence and the heart, or whatever. either way, i miss friends who don't make me feel like a third choice. (ifeventhat) nothing you say can hurt me, you know. (i've never had enemies when i've had friends like these) trust me, i think far worse things about myself than you ever could. a devil on both shoulders. my life has already been half-spent with someone who said one thing & did another. i'm used to "late night honest" and "daylight disinterested" it doesn't really mean anything if you don't show it. (faithwithoutworksisdead) this is one of those lessons i've been taught againandagainandagainandagainandagain but i never actually learn. no matter what, bad luck & false hope are always in my favour. there is a reason why everyone who passes me by asks to check my pulse. (they don't want me to end up like last time) besides, they need to know where to find the body, right? eyelash on my cheek, i wished for you. (todropdead) -abby, the biggest martyr for the cause 0 Comments

04/09/2023 08:38 PM  when all else fails, who other than you? oh, the ego of people who don't realise they're not the first, or the last, or the prettiest though i'd pay good money to see the look on your face when you find out you're only a golden calf moulded from melted down out-of-date fantasies and ancient memories just a cheap imitation of something that's always been slightly out of my reach (the ever elusive green light) a temporary replacement for an empty pedestal. trust me sweetheart, you can rest your head easy at night because all i ever seem to do is search for eyes that gleam like his anyway. (i could never resist the tug of a wry smile) and what am i but faithful? as if i don't dedicate every waking thought to wondering if you'd be proud of me i did what you wanted me to, kind of. i'm sorry that i traded the iroquois for the victorians. fitzgerald for austen. rothko for whoever the 𝑓uck. next time i'll make it up to you, promise. have i still earned the pet name, the pat on the head? "not half-bad, honey." do i get my portrait pinned onto your corkboard? do you ever flip it around to reread what's written on the back? (imeantityouknow) mr. midas touch, where would i be without your guiding hand(s) years of deep sleeps and blank pages, i'm sure. all roads lead back to you anyway. thanks for being the best muse a girl like me could ever ask for. p.s. not a day goes by where i don't scan crowds looking for your upturned nose. my fault. force of habit. sorry. "looks & flirts, and midnights in your shortest skirts" (maybe they'll be able to tempt you this time) -abby 0 Comments

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04/05/2023 08:59 PM  “i think sometimes people forget there is real person here. i know i do.” i am begging the world to look at me, really look at me. "help me," i smile in between jokes. "help me." everyone just laughs along. i'm sorry i can't tell you what i really mean. you don't want to know what is going on inside of me. i'm scared of turning you into something you do not want to be.  when i was a kid i used to slip out of parties and listen to the muffled sounds through the wall, like i was separate from the world happening around me. the pleasure of knowing no one noticed i was missing. the serenity of being dissociated from it all. making life a spectator sport. i don't know what that says about me. the way i downplay everything i say and do. i don't want people to know that i think i deserve space. i̶'̶m̶ ̶a̶f̶r̶a̶i̶d̶ ̶i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶t̶r̶u̶e̶ like always, i am the loneliest in a crowded room. i am suffering in the hopes that it makes me holy. -abby 1 Comments

03/05/2023 08:12 PM  heaven knows i'm miserable now born a catholic, die a catholic this traitorous heart and these traitorous hands that come together to conspire against my head too terribly alone and too blinded by desperation to see anything clearly in front of me if my eyes glance away for just a second, my idle hands start to build cathedrals i have to tie my wrists with thorns just to restrain subconscious movement and every time they dig into my skin it reminds me of what it's like to worship a fallible god born a catholic, die a catholic i fear that devotion may simply be in my nature baptised to search for the next prophet no matter how much i try to shake it, i cannot resist adoration a horrible, horrible habit and it is a long three days to wait for your resurrection. but i'm outside the tomb with hammer and nails, ready to condemn you again and again i see now it was instilled into me in youth to await a messiah to absolve me of sins a person to bring salvation and ever-lasting life though this time, he collapsed on the way to the cross no simon and no veronica a tragedy, that you could not even be martyred for the cause. no, not even half the man of those who came before you— the crucified whose egos seep from their hand wounds but every poem needs a subject, and every poet needs a muse. at least i was able to get some use out of you. abby, the holiest of holies 0 Comments

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12/25/2022 06:21 PM  found this in a box in my attic and so i grin and i bear it. even if i am unloved. because i desperately need the illusion. 0 Comments

12/22/2022 10:24 PM  spare the rod spoil the child dear god, please teach me to suffer for the things that are worth it. one day i'll get some sense knocked into my head so keep trying to beat the lesson into me because i don't think i get it quite yet. weatherthestormweatherthestormweatherthestorm to reach the land of the lotus-eaters. dear god, please teach me to recognise the shadows on the cave wall. because i get fooled by them, every single time. you see, i was born with the kind of face that makes people want to dangle hope in front of it & then rip it away one day i will learn that good things do not happen to kids like me —they rarely ever do. god does this funny parlour trick where he kicks the chair from underneath my feet when the tips of my toes just barely scrape against the seat it never gets old, does it? does it? he and i have met here before a thousand times a thousand different ways in a thousand different rhymes the eternal standoff between me & the big guy who can't decide whether to snuff me out or light another match just the same old story, the same old game abby 1 Comments

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