02/24/2024 05:07 PM  I didn't expect to be so saddened I found a bunch of old VHS tapes in my dad's things. From the labels on them I recognzed they were old home movies that my dad had filmed when I was a very small kid. I don't even own a VHS player anymore so I sen them to a place that could convert them to digital format so I could watch them online.  When I got the digitized versions sent to me I was keen to watch them, see the old memories brought to life. I wasn't exxpectng the sadness they'd make me feel. The oldest ones were filmed when I was about 2 - 3 years old, when my parents were still together. Seeing them as a happy couple, together, in the same house, made me so sad because I know that in very few years after these videos were filmed is when their marital problems started, the arguments, the mean spirited comments, the eventual divorce. Also the house itself, this was the house that they ended up losing around the time of the divorce, my dad's business started to go bad and the house got foreclosed on. My dad loved that house. It was on acreage and it was supposed to be his heaven on earh. It represented the fruits of his hard work and sanctuary from the real world after rising above his sad and abusive childhood. In the videos I am running around, playing in the acreage with the pets we had, blissfully unaware that it would soon come to an end and we would be moving into squalor. The pets that we had to give away or that vanished or died, they were alive and walking around in the videos, being petted by me. Seeing myself so young and innocent, enjoying playing with toys and genuinly enjoying being around both of my parents, who I adored at the time, it made me feel feel such sadness and depression to realize these years are well and truly gone and can never come back or be re-lived. Some of the later videos were filmed right at the time my parents were going through the divorce, so I get to hear my dad talking to his brothers, telling them about the arguments or occassionally he is just filming me playing and when I am out of earshot he would make comments to himself about his divorce was going to be finalized soon and he expected it to be the happiest day of his life. He would make disparaging remarks about my mother, talk about how he believed she had been out getting railed by an affair partner and would talk about the house was being foreclosed upon and about how he was losing everything. Of course, I was completely oblivious, just a small kid, concerned with school friends, toys, etc, no concept of the real world. I wished they could have stayed together and loved one another. I wish I could go back in time.   0 Comments

12/02/2023 05:57 PM  I will always wonder but I will never ask Current mood:  melancholy There is a memory / image I have had in my head for a very long time that I want to get off my chest. Background: My parents divorced when I was very young and went through a period where they disliked each other intensely but put their differences aside to coparent. Later they made up and became friends again but never got back together. My father is gone now but my mother is still alive. The Memory: I think I was very little, maybe three years old? This was the period when my parent’s marriage was at its worst and the arguments could be intense. I recall they were facing each other and my mother lunged towards my dad and I saw him back away, looking shocked and possibly clutching his arm. I think I then saw a kitchen knife in her hand, and I vaguely recall seeing a bandage on my dad’s arm the following day. So, I am assuming my mother slashed his arm with a knife. But I don’t know if this really happened, maybe it was a dream? Maybe I remember incorrectly. Maybe they were just arguing when she was in the kitchen fixing dinner and happened to have a knife in her hand and my young brain made up the rest? I don’t know. If it was just a dream it stuck in my head for a hell of a long time. I would like to ask my mother about this, if it ever happened and what led to it. But I never will. If it really happened it will just bring up a bad memory and if it didn’t really happen it will just be a hurtful accusation.  So I will always wonder but will never will never bring it up. 0 Comments

08/04/2023 06:42 PM  People that I miss Current mood:  melancholy A lot of people have come into and then gone out of my life over the last few years. Some of them were work friends who I came to genuinly like and actually felt sad when they left. Some were friends or neighbors that moved away and are no longer close by. Others were online friends that just vanished from whatever site we used to mutually frequent. Some I was really sad about not seeing or talking to anymore, some I didnt care that much. But lately I have been missing some of them, occassionally dreaming about them and just yearning for familiarity.   0 Comments

01/02/2023 05:36 PM  It's 2023 I had two options for new years eve, the event I wanted to go and the event my friend wnated to go to. Against my better judgement I went with my friend. It wasn't terrible, but I still kind of wished I went to the other event. Piling into the city just to watch a few minutes of fireworks amongst a huge crowd is really overrated.  I don't know what this yeat will be like but I am hoping 2023 will be better than the last couple of years. Let's achieve something positive this year. 0 Comments

12/17/2022 08:57 PM  The year is nearly over, thank God I am glad that 2022 is nearly over, it's not been a very good year. There have been some positives, I went to a few events, saw some ggood movies, met some people and made some new friends. But this was all few and far between a lot of aggravation and frustration brought on by long hours at work, a demanding boss, various health problems plus constant grief from obsessively thinking about my dead loved ones and their individual declines leading up to their deaths. What can I say, I am happy to leave 2022 behind.  0 Comments

11/06/2022 04:06 PM  Nostalgia Current mood:  nostalgic I can't stop thinking about my own past. Simpler times, happier times, days when I looked forward to the future, not realising I was living in a much more pleasant existence than my eventual future would turn out to be. When responsibility was a much smaller thing in my life and fun and relaxation much more prevalent. I didn't realise it, but I was living in the good old days, but now that life is over. What is there to look forward to now? 0 Comments

03/21/2022 05:03 PM  Rejection hitting harder There is a girl who works in the same building that the company I work for is located. She works for a different company though, I asked her out and she said yes. I was actually surprised as I really didnt expect her to, we exchanged numbers and I felt like I was on top of the world. Later that night she texted me saying she had thought more about it and that she is not up for dating anybody at the moment as she is working on herself and her own mental health. I respect that. I understand that she is probably not attracted to me and/or doesn't want to risk getting involved with someone who works in the same place as her, as that could make things really awkward, especially if things don't work out well. I totally understand she has the right to change her mind and that she does not owe me anything, but damn, the disappointment really hit me harder than I ever would have expected. I suppose it's because I havent really 'liked' someone in a long time now, and when she initially said yes, I got my hopes up only to have them crushed. I don't understand how this has caused me to feel so depressed, I am used to rejection, I have experienced it often! But for some reason I cant get her out of my head and I feel a huge sense of depression knowing that each day at work she is somewhere in the building but I wont be talking to her, as I absolutely do not want to pester her. A no is a no, I get it. I respect it. But this particular 'no' has hit me harder than many others I have experienced over my life. Oh well, this is my problem and I will work through it as best as I can. 0 Comments

02/05/2022 05:26 PM  Making the same mistakes over and over Current mood:  blah I can't believe the guy I work for. The business has huge staff turnover because nobody can stand him, his micromanaging, insane demands and horrible personality. Every time we get new staff, they leave after a few weeks or few months at the most and he says "I don't understand, why do they keep leaving". I try to tell him everything that he does that causes them to burn out and leave and he still thinks he is not the problem. It makes me laugh. Life is strange.   0 Comments

12/24/2021 05:17 PM  Christmas Time Current mood:  awake Well, its Christmas time. This will be my frst Christmas without my father. It's been a sad year, a year I am glad is coming to an end. The last few years seem to have been marked by loss, sadness regret for what might have been. None the less, I am not going to let this dampen my spirit, not yet anyway. Merry Christmas everybody   Magickal Graphics 0 Comments

10/29/2021 08:19 PM  Happy Halloween / Samhain! ~Magickal Graphics~   ~Magickal Graphics~ 0 Comments

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