sleeping for the wrong team
how i wish it were acceptable to just go to sleep for a few weeks.
there are so many things i don't want to think about. i guess i'll leave them alone and let them fester until they're right in my way. that's what i always do.
the same things that made me happy five years ago still make me happy right now. there's nothing wrong with that. but it's also becoming harder to be happy when i have so many obstacles in the way of the better life that i have been dreaming of.
my feelings right now are compulsory. i am self aware.
i have never wanted to touch a girl. i have never wanted a romantic relationship or a future with a girl. i overcame my doubts of that a long time ago. i want boys. but there's part of my mind that is still telling me that wanting boys is predatory and unnatural, trying to force me to find "the right girl." there is no right girl. there is nothing wrong with me wanting boys instead.
boys have soft hands and stupid senses of humor and pretty faces. they're warm.
i know that girls can have all of those things too, but i don't like girls. i have never related to a lot of my peers in that sense. i didn't understand when they talked about girls that way. i still don't. they'd say these sweet things, but i felt nothing.
and others have affirmed the thoughts in my head, saying that boys are sh*t and girls are SO much better, so i'm wrong for not liking girls.
liking boys was and still is one of my biggest insecurities because of that.
but i cannot change it. and the best i can do is embrace it.