I WANT TO GO BACK
I go through phases of disinterest in this website, in alternativeness in general. It normally coincides with my depressive phases.This stuff makes me happy, but it also makes me different and gives people reason to mistreat me.
Sometimes I'll see something and it makes every bone in my body ache to go back to a simpler time.
I didn't care back then. Yeah, people bullied me but I didn't care. I was confident enough in myself to just flip them off and go on with my day. I had friends, music that I loved without abandon, I was happy.
Now all I do is overthink. I criticise everything I wear, do, say, create until I hate it all. I am embarrassed of myself. I am ashamed to be myself.
I wish I could exist in a space where there was only me, me and the things I love. I used to have that - I could escape to a fantasy world and do whatever the f*** I wanted with no consequences.
But now even my dreams are haunted by the people in my life who ridicule everything I am.
I have no escape anymore.
I want to be free, I want to go back to that happy place, but I can't.