content warning: long post, mentions of bullying and s--c-de

i know we talk about FOMO a lot as millenial/gen-z but i kinda want to talk about something i want to call Fear Of Not Keeping Up...or FONKU for short XD;

i feel different from other ppl in my age cohort in the sense that i am fairly well off on my own but i also happen to be VERY close to my family, emotionally but also geographically. i actually have a hard time coping when i am not around them simply because they do offer a lot of support & i know they would have my back in any way (including financially) if i ever needed it...otherwise i fully support myself emotionally and financially, i do everything myself without prompting bc i prefer the feeling of being fully independent. there are certain emotional issues too that i let them touch in the past but i know if i even went there on my own it would end up hurting me.

i am also highly introverted and have very few friends, the FONKU comes in when i feel like i would have a lot more friends among those i made a long time ago if i did a better job at "keeping up" with them...whatever that means...i am referring to social media, namely, since ppl tend to post a lot of their personal photos & other business on ig, fb etc....and i don't have any of these. i used to have these but i felt like a goldfish and everyone was tapping on the glass, or shaking up my water, or doing something else to make me feel weird and uncomfortable. i just don't like the feeling of having eyes constantly on my updates (not to mention having my data mined & sold without my consent n__n;)

i'm sure you're thinking, you must think pretty highly of yourself to think that ppl are always looking for updates (maybe ur not thinking that but this is rhetorical lol)....in other words, ppl ghost on social media all the time, they post whenever they want whatever they want...and i guess to that end i don't have much to say, just that maybe i am a little bit traumatized by it all, maybe i got so used to social media that it became a toxic, harmful place where i started to store away parts of my personality (going all the way back to when i was like 12yo on neopets and stuff like that, 15yo i had myspace and that was my first kind of legit social media)...and some parts of that personality inevitably made ppl uncomfortable and confront me, or just outright bully me. i have had ppl pose as me on snap and stuff like that to bully others, just to name one particular instance, and that effectively ruined one of the best friendships i had in college......

i almost had to switch schools in middle school bc a blog i made with my friend became password locked so that only ppl who had access could go on, to bully me and make up rumors about me.....

i have been sexually harassed & (effectively) assaulted online more times than i can count.....

i don't mind my family keeping tabs but certain more nosy/judgmental family members would take my fb statuses out of context and use them against me.....making suggestions to other family members that were way out of line & ended up with me being criticized in some way.

i don't mind being critiqued....just BE STRAIGHT UP!

i'm never trying to hear something through the vine....it's despicable in my mind that this happened to me by my own friends, or flesh and blood!

it's total betrayal........

it's way easier for me as a result to take a step back, affirm the promise that i have 0 social media (can we pls come up with a cute acronym for that if we haven't already? soma??) and let ppl fill in the blanks themselves, assume whoever might be out there stealing my data & pics is an imposter & affirm that i literally have absolutely nothing to hide, i would just prefer that u would talk to me face to face, call me or sms.

effectively i have been unable to keep up, i can't shake the FONKU but in the back of my mind i can't help but feel as if ppl would have abandoned me no matter what (many did when i had a decently well known finsta) and wouldn't have wanted to see my content anyway.....

i have toyed with the idea of doing old school yt vlogs but i am so ill at ease, i do enough work to look presentable and behave like a normal human adult on a regular basis that the thought of being some kind of ~influencer~ w an ~online persona~ makes me cringe from the inside out.

i am so freaked out by strangers but i am also feeling completely let down by most of my "old friends" that it creates a restless energy & i feel like you would have to keep me at gunpoint to make me spit out some kind of ~content~ for all the world to see

altogether i feel disappointed, like ppl are totally disgusting and self-absorbed when online. which is true bc like they always say there is safety from behind a screen...."say it to my face, anon!" that sort of thing...but at the same time i know it is not fair to make that assumption.

i just don't feel "safe" or like i fit anywhere in particular.

i also have this awful feeling that i constantly let ppl down, even in the most superficial ways...always kicking myself for not staying in contact w ppl enough when i knew damn well they would never DM me without prompting...but how can you enforce that in a virtual place where social rules go straight in the garbage?! & when i was on ig i couldn't help but notice how other girls looked way prettier or skinnier (often thanks to facetune), or their photos were way higher quality (thanks to a newer phone). all in all i think soma just makes you feel like you are so much less than you truly are...u become ur possessions, all this upgrading for clout that comes and goes as easily as rain....i am in a place in my life where i desperately just want to feel happy with what little i have...(& i am totally happy! thanks to no soma....) & i feel like i'm just gonna carry this feeling with me forever, it sucks but i don't know how else to cope other than avoiding the trigger of soma entirely.

we live in a sensitive time now more than ever. just recently i had a friend commit s--c-de and i can't help but wonder what the hell was going thru his mind, what put him in that place? i feel a little angry at this self absorbed culture...no-one is safe anymore, from our baby boomer parents and grandparents to our children...we're all just little freaked out fishes in a bowl! what even is the ocean?? it sucks!! i remember thinking isn't this cool, a place where ppl can be freely creative & express themselves? but not anymore...it all has a price tag, ur name stamped on it, or is just pure troll fodder...i think there is so much more to life and even still i have moments of beauty that i want to save, or remember later outside of my mind's eye...but i just completely despise the other ppl on soma!!!! -____-; sry for rambling....trying to gather my thoughts is hard esp since this has been brewing for such a long time.

i am putting this out there maybe for a small bit of sympathy, but i have never been one to look for praise, just for feedback from others in a remotely similar situation...even if u feel totally different than i do on this, i would be so happy to hear your thoughts in regards to FONKU and how it affects ur life, or doesn't affect it, basically i just feel totally lost rn and at odds with myself & if nothing else i hope that reading this comforted you in some way, or opened ur eyes, bc i legitimately feel like this is really messed up.