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Rose

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April 19th, 2019


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Gender: Other
Status: In a relationship
Age: 19
Country: United States

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November 22, 2018


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01/01/2019 04:25 PM 

borderline personality disorder
Category: Real Life

1 January 2019

So it's 2019. time passes so, so, so quickly – I always note the year in my documents, reading log and political predictions and such things, without ever feeling as though it was really relevant. the fact that I'm going to see that switch over now seems like something that would've have occurred to me, maybe because I didn't really believe my predictions log would ever last that long (even if long in this case is two months).

I've been reading about borderline personality disorder, of course, with impulsivity and emotional lability that matches some of what I've observed from XR, but certain symptoms – like irregular paranoid psychosis in times of high emotions, or depersonalization and dissociation – are foreign to me, both in my own experience and in my observation with XR, while others are immensely relatable. I arguably met the minimum criteria described in the DSM-V for diagnosis, so found reliable sources online with screening tools; all three said I should be evaluated by a professional for borderline personality, given the dysfunctions I displayed. the assessment I liked best was the PID-5, which I believe is the inventory for any personality disorder as described by the DSM-V. my results are as follow:

  • traits:

    • normal: anxiousness, eccentricity, emotional lability, intimacy avoidance, manipulativeness, perceptual dysregulation, perseveration, rigid perfectionism, suspiciousness, unusual beliefs & experiences

    • moderate dysfunction: attention-seeking, callousness, deceitfulness, distractibility, grandiosity, hostility, impulsivity, irresponsibility, restricted affectivity, risk-taking, separation insecurity

    • severe dysfunction: anhedonia, depressivity, submissiveness, withdrawal

  • trait domains:

    • normal:negative affect (emotional lability, anxiousness, separation insecurity), antagonism (manipulativeness, deceitfulness, grandiosity), psychoticism (unusual beliefs & experiences, eccentricity, perceptual dysregulation

    • moderate dysfunction: detachment (withdrawal, anhedonia, intimacy avoidance), disinhibition (irresponsibility, impulsivity, distractibility)

  • personality disorders:

    • criteria not met: avoidant, obsessive-compulsive, schizotypal

    • criteria met: antisocial, borderline, narcissistic

I could talk to a medical professional, but I'm ambivalent about that idea. of course, the idea of a new avenue of progress to fix some of my issues is seductive at worst and life-saving at best, in terms of saving the course of my life from myself more than in terms of keeping me from suicide – suicide has never really been a threat, since no matter how much I want it, my concern for XR, what would happen if I failed, and my fear of death collectively function well as a bulwark. I should talk to someone, I suppose. I don't want to. my experience with ANTL doesn't foster trust in Truman UCS's ability to provide help or appropriate resources generally.

we were supposed to leave today, head back home – thank god and every atom in the universe it's only been 2 weeks of the full month out of school. I don't ever want to return to Truman, no matter how badly I want a cigarette. why we stayed behind one day more is altogether unclear, although the drive is likely to be longer tomorrow than the normal 12 hours because of wrecks on the highway we normally use and the detours arising from winter weather we'll be forced to take.

there's hope in me that I do have a personality disorder. not one of the easier classes of disorders to treat, but it would explain my everyday dysfunctions, would open a path to seek help not normally available to me, would excuse me for asking for assistance where auxiliary support wouldn't otherwise be merited in the view of a prideful, contemptuous society of the people I'm surrounded by, or maybe in the view of a prideful, contemptuous child who refuses to change their behavior in favor of a romantic idea of strength.

song of the day: Flatland, Tunng

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