What I've Been Up To
I'm guilty of f***ing up again. I thought I could see the best in people and give them a second chance but what I should have learned the last time was if nothing changed last time, it wont work out this time. Some people will tell you over and over again that they have change and promise sanctuary away from a chaotic life. But when they burst into your room at midnight and put their foot on your chest waking you up and whispering "I could kill you right now and no one would ever know". I was in fear almost 24/7 with no support system. But they made a big mistake. I had a mental breakdown and they called the cops on me and forced me into inpatient care at the local psychiatric hospital. That event changed everything. After discharging I decided to start IOP. I explained my situation to the group which I thought I was the one at fault. My "friends" have fully convinced me that I was evil. The group and therapists opened my eyes and told me how they were treating me was not normal. I was willing to put up with so much just so I could have at least some people in my life to mutually care and support each other. But it was incredibly one sided. Sure, they gave me a house with my own room to live in, I helped pay rent, I helped buy food...I went through hell and back to make sure that they were safe. I was there for them in the beginning when they needed someone. Then their behavior changed and mine did too because of how toxic they were. They accused me of treating their dogs like sh*t, when I was actually taking care of them and spending time with them while they sat in their room all day. They werent even supposed to be my responsibility but they forced the dogs on me because they were "part of the family too". They were overly critical of me and everything I was doing. They tried to be purists while shaming me for almost everything I did. I could never be good enough for them. And in IOP I met this awesome guy named Zack. He is nine years older than me but by this time I was so f***ing desperate to get the f*** out of my situation I begged him to get me out of there. We got along pretty well. And I dont think I wouldve started talking to him if he didnt bring up D&D. He is your typical gamer geek. So we hit it off very well. After we both graduated the class I met his parents and they said that I can live with them til I get on my feet. They dont have a deadline for me to go which makes it better. And they kinda adopted me as their own. Im working on getting a job and exploring myself and searching to find who I truly am inside. Cause I am done trying to be a mold just so people would like me and avoid conflict. I am done living in fear. I am done living in the past. I found my spiritual side on this journey, and I feel strongly connected to my celtic pagan heritage. The new age and old celtic religions and practices gave me the positive messages I needed to hear. I dont want to go and say the whole "I found God" ordeal, since most of my beliefs revolve around nature and magick. I am starting a new path as a celtic witch. And Samhain is upon us and my mother and my ancestors spirits will be on the same plane for the only day this year.
This is time to let go of toxic people and start healing. Good things are upon us. And I shall be starting my college years soon at SWIC Belleville here in Southern Illinois. I will work towards a pre-major in fine arts and transfer my credits to Joe Kubert Art School in New Jersey so I can accomplish getting my dream job. I am also working on a portfolio/inktober sketches so anyone interested in seeing those can find them on my instagram @ashtonwayart.
Hop you all are having a fantastic week.