September 7, 2018
I'm in my art class right now. I'd probably enjoy it somewhat if Trinity wasn't in it. My eyes are magnetized to her. Every time I see her laugh or smile with her friends I feel so empty. Her voice makes me wish I couldn't hear. I have lost all of my expectations. Nothing looks promising anymore, and I'm only living because...I don't know. I don't really know why.
I haven't done anything and now it's my last year of highschool. I never did anything with friends (I don't have any to begin with), I haven't been able to focus because I keep thinking about how much I don't want to be alive right now, I sit by myself at school, and I want to do stuff. But I can't. I don't want to wish I was dead, but lately it's seeming more and more intriguing.
Homecoming is in about a month and I would go...but there's really no point. I don't have a date or friends so I shouldn't go. But I want to. I don't know who to go with. I have ideas for art projects but it's pretty hard to concentrate on doing them when Trinity is across the room. I could express my thoughts vividly through them though. I always get creative when I'm stressed, and I've never been worse. Yesterday a few of Trinity's friends did talk to me, so for the rest of the day I felt okay. Yeah, so as much as I wish this wasn't true...I really don't want to be alive. Ive been thinking that for a while now. I'm extremely tired, I just want it to end. That, or get better. That's what I really want. But I don't see things getting better...I wish I could. I really do. I'm tired.