Loneliness Is All I Know
August 9, 2018
I'm kinda excited to get back to school. I want to see what this school year will bring. I say that now, but watch me wish I didn't. The more hopeful I get, the worse things turn out, so I should lower my hopes. I wish I had friends I could do stuff with. I mean I talk to some people, but I don't know the last time I went and did stuff with people. Now it's going to be my last year of school and I did nothing. But this year will be different. It has to be.
There's a certain feeling that going back to school invokes. I don't know how to describe it. I always start off hopeful, but over time I lose that feeling.
Almost all sense of serenity I had before summer has gone away. I can tell I'm not calm. Every day has been a lonely disappointment since school got out. Well, except for the few days I saw Trinity early on. Then it slowly got worse as the days went by.
What's it like to have close friends? I don't even know. What is it like to have people who you know are there for you, enjoy being around you, and go out of their way to spend time with you? I see people with other people all of the time. I don't have that. I could attribute it to me being shy, but even then I don't think that's it. There's pretty much nobody with similar interests and stuff as me. There is someone like that: Trinity, and now she is the only other one now that others have graduated. But similairities to me...I don't even need that. I just want to have friends, people who I can call my friend. Because whenever I'm asked "who do you hang out with?" I'm tired of replying with "nobody". There's people I talk to here and then. But other than that I don't have anyone to do stuff with.
I wish I could meet the people I know from online. I have so many people who seem to care about me, they just aren't people I'll ever get to see. But I would really like to...but I'd like a lot of things, they just never happen.