Gender: Female Status:
In a relationship
Age: 18 Country: Brazil
Signup Date: July 28, 2017
11/25/2017 04:19 PM
Somebody I Used to Know
This letter is to the person I've mentioned in my past two letters... We used to be good friends. The best of friends, even.
We met on DeviantArt when we were around 12. I posted OC fanart , you commented on my work and we began to talk more intensely after you made a request of my OCs back then. (I'll admit that at first I had 0 interest in befriending you, I just wanted free art.) We exchanged Skypes and would talk every single day, about our characters, about roleplaying and about each other, on occasion.When we talked about each other, we talked about each other's likes and dreams, day-to-day conversation... You were the first, true best friend that I ever had.
And for someone as lonely as me, someone who had been relentlessly bullied for years and had low self-esteem, someone who treated me like a friend and equal, with the same interests as me? It's the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And so, I became attached to you. Everyday, we'd talk for hours on end, and it was fun for a long while.
Then, it started to bring me troubles... Because I became attached to you, to the point where I'd put you over my social life and my duties with my family. I wasn't valuing schoolwork, family, or anybody else in my life really, as much as I valued you. And eventually, talking to you became a mental obligation. I had to tell you, how long I'd be outside, where I'd be, because I was convinced that, unless I were 100% avaliable 24/7, you'd abandon me. Even if I were gone for just a day, you'd be gone, forever.
And I couldn't risk that. I had to be there for you, I had to keep the conversation going, or else I’d be alone – it consumed the life out of me. Even when the conversation wasn’t fun, even when I felt exhausted, even when there wasn't any conversation at ALL, I was there.
Looking back, it was the sign something wasn't right, with both me and that relationship. But, keep in mind, it wasn't your fault. You pushed me to interact with more people, at times - but there's only so much you can do, when we're separated by an entire ocean. So, I didn't listen to you.
Somewhere around September, when I was 13, I confessed to you – and you accepted me with open arms. During the time we dated, I treated you like royalty: Everything I did, the future plans I made for my life, were made taking your existence into account. I was afraid of losing you, so in hopes it wouldn’t happen, I made promises I couldn't keep.
(On-topic, I remember something that happened when I was 14: An awful meltdown in Dad's car, because I'd be late to talk to you by, at most, two hours. It felt like I was going to die, and it looked like I was being kidnapped - I legit put my father in danger. My parents ended up rightfully grounding me, and I overheard them talking about therapy. Nothing about cutting off that relationship, however... And nothing suggesting I wasn't "a normal girl")
After we broke up, we continued to be friends. We went through our phases, dated one more time during this period (it really isn’t worth detailing, teenager drama and all), and we were relatively happy. We had our struggles, our little fall-outs, but we were blooming. I don’t remember an event that is worth noting, when it comes to our relationship.
(When I was reading this again, I now do remember: When we broke up for the second time, we were on a Skype call. You were holding back a smile, while you were ignoring me as I was breaking into a panicked cry. You hung up the call, and admitted to me you "liked to see me cry". It left a big impression in me, and honestly - to this day, I don't know why didn't I cut off that relationship right there.)
The downward spiral started, in my opinion, in 2016. I gave up my graduation ceremony and a three-day vacation, on the hopes I’d be visiting you in Summer 2017. In mid 2016, in a whooping turn of events, we began dating again, and then you disappeared from my life, blocking me on your social media after two weeks.
I didn’t understand why, I thought we were fine. We were happy and blooming and developing ideas like crazy! You said you were unable to use the internet, but were still active in your social media? I don’t know what happened behind the screens and frankly, I don’t want to know.
The abstinence crisis that came along was awful. I cut myself, attempted suicide with a tie (of course, I chickened out and failed the moment I fastened it around my neck), I took medications during that time period. Of course, it wasn't your fault - never, for a moment, think that my over-attachment was anything but my own fault. I was out of control, and it was by my own doing.
I contacted you through YouTube, eventually. Shouldn’t have, because when we were back on talking…You weren’t you anymore, in my eyes - for moral reasons, and also, because I felt that something in your personality, had died. I can't quite pin-point what.
But even though your morals were completely opposite to mine, you were inflexible to my arguments when I wanted to change our harmful content, and you made me feel increasingly uncomfortable with every passing day, I stayed. I had to talk to you, you know – it’s what my brain was conditioned to do. Or rather, what I conditioned my brain to act like.
One day, we had a very vile fight over a petty issue (where, every talk we had was a role play – like it had been for years), you brought people who had nothing to do into our conversation and openly mocked me.You said you never wanted to talk to me again… Yet a week later, you sent me an e-mail, begging to talk to me again, coming up with excuses to justify your own awful behavior during that fight.
I should’ve deleted that email. Should've remember the pain I put myself through, the hurtful things you did to me! ...... But I didn’t, I was patient and gave you another chance… You didn’t change. You continued to be the same hateful person you had turned into, bringing people’s identities into your own insecurities and making cringy jokes that were only funny in 2012.
We worked on a few projects and had our fun. But it felt stale.
I could no longer pour my whole heart out to you, like I once did. When we were younger, I'd tell you everything about myself! What I would think like, what I liked and what I hated, what I felt was unfair - and then, I couldn't anymore. I wasn't comfortable to, it'd trigger a discussion and then I'd have to debate my right to exist!
To think about it, since you changed, it was like I didn't know you anymore. I had the impression I wasn't talking to you anymore, but to someone who had the exact same face and voice, but not the same heart.
(Another incident I remembered: You told me I'd be "much happier" if I was straight, and tried multiple times to convince me to become a straight girl. I played along once, even though I was lying through my teeth. Other times, I tried to defend myself and I even explained how I felt once. Never once did I try and "convince" you like you did to me. I validated your feelings and supported you when you were having doubts, and I was worried and legitimately confused when you suddenly "changed your mind" about your identity. I felt like you were being abused into changing, and to this day, I still feel like you're repressing something.)
My current girlfriend helped me realize, this wasn’t doing any good to me, never did. I didn’t know how to break it to you, though – so I was more than happy when you got tired of me, and blocked me on WhatsApp over an OC. It was cathartic: I was free, free to work on my own terms, free from discomfort, free from the mental obligation of talking to you.
Sum-up of our story: We used to be good friends! I became overly attached and ruined my social life because I didn’t have a healthy approach to you, you changed drastically into someone I couldn’t like. Drama ensues, and today, we don’t talk anymore.
Some things I have to say to you:
First of all, I apologize for several things:
I apologize for stalking your YouTube likes in 2016 during the “abstinence crisis”. In my defense, I was worried sick about you, and seeing whenver you liked something assured me "you're alive and safe", but I don't think it was correct, no matter what my motives where.
I apologize for asking to draw fetish art I’ve mentioned in “Rorikon”, between 2014 and 2015. Especifically, I apologize about asking you to draw omorashi and its sicker variation, omutsu, because we both were drawing shotacon before I met Curtez. I algo apologize for the oviposition, even though you probably liked it as well.
I apologize for my unhealthy approach to you. It's my biggest regret when it comes to you.
I apologize for implying you – a Jewish woman – were siding with Nazis during the first fight we had. It was awful and problematic of me, someone who’s always struggled to be a good person and abhors any kind of bigotry – anti-Semitism included. I apologized to you back then, and even though it’s been a while, I never forgot about it. I profoundly apologize for it, you don’t have to forgive me about this.
Those are all of the apologies I feel like I owe you. I don't remember anything else. You owe me TONS of apologies, but I'm not going to list them. You should know better.
Lastly, I’d like to say that our relationship shaped who I am, and in both positive and negative ways. Thank you for the good memories, the laughs, the memes and the stories we made.
It hurt that you preferred an OC over me, but that’s okay – it doesn’t hurt anymore, and now you’re just somebody I used to know. I didn’t see any future to our friendship, other than slowly floating away and following our own paths… So I’m happy we don’t have to talk anymore.
When I broke this friendship, I was extremely bitter and on my last message, I wished you were eaten alive by guilt and negative feelings. But now that I'm calm, I don’t care. I don’t wish you anything – if anything, I’d wish you disappear from my mind and just do your thing, and don’t hurt people.
Oh, and don’t you worry about Wing-Beat!, it’s doing fine. I'm taking good care of our child.
Anyway, I’ll do my own thing from now on, improve my morality and live free, knowing that what I had to say was said, and what I had to apologize for, I did. Maybe you’ll read this, someday.