Gender: Female Status:
In a relationship
Age: 18 Country: Brazil
Signup Date: July 28, 2017
11/25/2017 12:21 AM
TW: SEXUAL ABUSE
Because of bullying, internet became my addiction. It was better than doing homework, or even better than doing nothing. I could watch videos, draw and feel safe.
I’ve been on DeviantArt since I was eleven. I found it so fantastic that people could just MAKE characters who were theirs and develop them? It was something new and incredible to me, and I have to admit, that anime bases were my art awakening. The innocence is so bittersweet to me, today.
Anyway, I enrolled in the fandoms I liked, made my OC’s and stories, met some people and had fun. Even had some people “critique” me for having bad OCs! So, yes, the full internet experience…(It's sad that my first interaction with LGBT content was through the hands of fujo's.)
I exposed to porn back when I was 10 years old. Back in the day, I was introduced to incest shippings and the belief that, "it's not real, therefore, it's not bad". From then on, I suppose it went downhill: I started consuming porn regularly, drawing porn, attempting to masturbate and visiting porn blogs on Tumblr.
When me and the person I’ve yet to mention would roleplay, it was something to do with “hot yaoi” - we were as educated on sex as you'd expect. She also liked lolicon/shotacon and incest. We'd draw and RP a lot of smut. Despite it being extremely innacurate and bad, it was "healthy" - just between the two of us, how bad could it get, right?
I met you.
You commented on my artwork and followed me. We began to talk and shared Skypes… At first, it was rather healthy – we’d talk about my characters, each other’s everyday life, school, etc.
At some point, we decided to start roleplaying. We’d roleplay shotacon and toddlercon very often, some characters being as young as a six-month-old baby. They were never adults, hell, they were never even past 16 years old – unless, of course, we were roleplaying with another underage character.
Mostly, we roleplayed about kids in kindergarten age having sex with each other, fingering each other and, since I had introduced one of my fetishes to you, peeing in each other's pants/diapers/asses. On occasion, we'd roleplay about those characters also kindergarten-aged coming home and breast-feeding off of me! And you too, wanting to "drink milk straight from the tap".
You showed me drawn child porn often, and some movie scenes which mimicked pedophilia too.We’d roleplay sex, adult you having sex with my tween characters, and with me… The 14 year old girl you thought was sexy.
You commented on my thighs and boobs often, you lusted after me and talked all the time about how I should visit you or even, come live with you!
You never set any boundaries a normal adult should have with a teen, and because of that, I did a lot of bad things: Asking my then-friend to draw me fetish art, drawing fetish art myself! I also recall once roleplaying it with my cousin.
The drawings must still be going around............... It mortifies me.
And the worst part? I didn't see that something was wrong. Because they were ~drawn people~, they weren't real children. According to the internet, it's not real, then it's not harmful. I eventually broke contact: it's one of the few things I thank Tumblr for, it taught me that just bc it's a drawing, it doesn't mean it can't harm people.
Now, you're gone. Thanks your awful influence, I developed a lot of awful intrusive thoughts and dreams, and having awful self-image.... And that ever lingering doubt.... Was this valid? Is this sexual abuse?
Once you were gone, I had time to heal. I realized my previous behaviors weren't normal. I went to therapy, but I'm not completely healed. I still have awful dreams, I have an awful touch-starvation and my self-image when it comes to sex, is bad too.
I'm mortified by my past actions, I'm mortified about the drawings I've asked to make or I made myself. I'm mortified of my past.
Four years later, and with a lot of self-help, I know it's not my fault. You were the adult, not me. You were responsible, not me. Even if I had an interest in you that wasn't tongue-in-cheek, you weren't supposed to reciprocate it. I know my boundaries, now, and I know how to recognize a creep when I see one.
Moral of the story is: If you’re a teen, don’t trust adults who get too “handsy” with you, even in roleplay where they can’t touch you. Don’t trust adults who talk about porn with you, that isn’t in an educational context. If you draw porn or fetish art, don’t publish it until you’re 18. You’ll regret it.
Don’t trust people who tell you incest, shota/loli (or really, anything that sexualizes childhood and things meant for children) is normal. Most of all, don’t use them as coping mechanisms – you’re only hurting others and yourself.
To the dude who did this… You’re a monster, a sexual predator, probably a pedophile, and you deserve to rot in hell. I'll never forgive you and I still hope you get caught red-handed. Or that you die in a freak accident and end up like the Nikki Catsouras girl.
..... It's 5am. It's late. I'm tired. I'd better go to bed.
Venting about trauma (and this is absolutely trauma) is difficult to do, it takes a lot of strength to be able to write about stuff like this sometimes. I and anyone else who reads it are proud of you for making it this far. Best of luck with your healing, you're doing great