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12/05/2018 10:12 PM 

the third post from 2015

November 13 2015

YE and AYCM kissed in the hallway today, as i watched.  it was… horrifying.  his skin, so white.  his eyes, so shiny.  his legs, approximately 80% of his entire body.  anyway, i mentioned it to her later and she said he was her boyfriend now - as in a consistent, faithful relationship.  well see how well she does with that.  apparently she had to turn down KNJM's request for nudes because of it, with much pain on both sides. 

RS asked me to go to taco bell with her, then promptly invited Y?S? and RE as well, which was kind of not what i was going for.  then, later, she said she couldnt go because she needed to go home immediately and get a new cage for her lizard.  instantaneously she wondered, aloud, to me, as we were walking alone in the hallway, whether she should go to siga today.  kinda felt rejected.  when i reminded her she needed a new cage, she grabbed onto that again, saying she had forgotten.  she did ride home on the bus with me, so maybe she really did forget. 

Y?D?'s applying to cinemark.  i hope he gets the job, i know he needs one.  also, he doesnt seem to like EN, which i can understand.  oftentimes i dont really like her either. 

E?L? actually spoke to me today, and she seemed interested, which was nice.  when LS came over, i said something like “speak of the devil” because RS had mentioned she was considering going to siga today - now E?L?'s convinced theres drama with LS.  she wont believe me when i say it was just because RS was talking about siga.  oops. 

CN joked with me a bit, so i guess he might not absolutely hate me. 

A?A? - my online friend, syntaxerorrs - made a post about how much she was crying because her friend is leaving for some reason.  :(

HN liked a post either EN or AYAS made on RS's tumblr yesterday saying something like “you know, sometimes i think anti-sjws have some really valid points”.  when mentioned during lunch, ESCF called HN “kinda stupid” and a “pushover”.  to be fair, she wasnt really wrong (at all). 

instead of doing anything chemistry-related in chemistry, we took up devil-worship.  this kid came in saying his name was nick - the name of someone on the attendance roster, but who has never actually shown up for class - and since we had a sub, she believed him.  he proceeded to do the coolest magic sh*t ever.  hes only been practicing for 2 or 3 years, according to him, which makes it even more awesome.  apparently this is what he does - he just cuts his chinese block every other day to go to other classes and show off his sick skillz.  hella.  one or two people knew him, apparently his real name is brendon, or some variation of it. 

oh also there was a poll at westwood.  leading the democratic nomination was bernie sanders with 50% of the votes.  leading the republican was donald trump, with 35%. 

November 2015, 2015, YE, AYCM, KNJM, RS, Y?S?, RE, Y?D?, EN, E?L?, LS, CN, A?A?, HN, ESCF, nick


12/05/2018 10:07 PM 

another post out-of-time

NEDP told me last night that he was still trying to decide whether to break up with E?K? or not.  he eventually concluded he was almost definitely going to let the relationship keep going, which i was kind of encouraging, subtly.  i suppose i can have faith in romanticism when i have faith in the person. 

EN told me and connor that she has a crush on ESCF.  its no surprise i didnt see this coming, since i dont seem to see any romantic relationships coming.  ESCF is a really distant person, though.  she compartmentalizes all her emotions because she thinks she can be perfect, and maybe she can, but its not the kind of person you want a relationship with.  well see how EN does with it. 

AYAS and EN both openly derided people who support free healthcare at RS's house, which was a little bit of a shock and a little bit not.  theyre in our friend group; on the other hand, theyre the most likely in our friend group to say something like that.  AYAS just inherits a lot of her beliefs from her parents, and i think its partially because she hasnt seen the other side of the argument beside tumblr - which isnt exactly convincing most of the time. 

nick is an ass, which we all knew.  he is, indeed, continuing to be.  its annoying when someone is a legitimately bad person and also has traits you enjoy.  like, thanks, a**hole, i didnt want you to be cool anyway.  whatever.  if someones a truly bad person it doesnt matter whether you liked them, you shouldnt continue to interact with them. 

mark threatened to “give me a talking to” because apparently last time i went over i was “[giving] him the stink-eye”.  lmao.  no more going to EN's house for me, i didnt even realize i was doing it. 

YE was talking about her sex life again in latin; i have no doubt shell have more news for me by whap tomorrow.  i dont want to reject her, but its honestly exhausting to talk to her about this, like god damn.  i dont care, YE. 

i had a very brief and a little forced feelings jam with RS and EN.  it was okay.  i also laid around in RS's bed like i was going to nap and she got on top of me, which was nice.  i like the pressure and the warmth, even if im not into her.  i hope that happens again, physical intimacy is seriously my weakness. 

we had a test in algebra.  i think i did okay, at least an 80%.  not very good, but its better than the grades i have been getting in that class. 

also, we read more of the scottish play.  lady macbeth is my wife, ive decided.  i love her (not as much as YNRN though). 

im kind of worried about my and YNRN's moirallegiance.  i feel like we havent really been talking about real stuff, just weird, random compliments and stuff.  which is nice, when theres actually something to base it off of.  hopefully i can fix that quickly.  if YNRN replies to my messages soon, maybe i can talk it out with him.  the thing is, at this point, my highest priority with him is making him happy, which (i think) means maintaining the moirallegiance - which means i dont want to do anything that could possibly risk it.  not doing anything could be worse in this case, as in most cases, than doing what i think is the best course of action, so i think ill talk to him about it. 

NEDP, E?K?, EN, ESCF, AYAS, RS, nick, mark, YE, YNRN, November 2015, 2015


12/05/2018 09:59 PM 

this is non-chronological

RS was overly somber today.  she told me she contemplated suicide heavily last night.  we continued to argue over whether romantic relationships can ever work out, and settled upon the idea that high-school aged romantic relationships always end badly.  she called me mean in passing later, and i wanted to apologize for it, but i wasnt sure how to, so i didnt.  i did talk about how emotionally distant i was and about how i cant accurately convey emotions of affection, but she said she understands i care for her, even if i cant say it.  i also said something about being constantly desperate for physical intimacy, and (once again) she said she was worried about me. 

NEDP told me today that he decided to take my advice and take a week-long break from E?K?.  im pretty sure hes a lot more pained than he comes across as; i think its easy for him to appear composed.  it might be especially easy in front of me, since ive broken down probably once or twice in front of him, though i dont remember any specific occasions.  he says its really hard, which i dont doubt. 

NERS is worrying me.  he said yesterday in group that hed forgotten to take his meds for a week straight, but hopefully thats an occurrence unique to this week, or at least one that wont be regular.  i think hes becoming more distant too.  i want to provide emotional care for him, but M? already gives/tries to give him plenty of that, and he said all he wants from me is understanding, so ill try to provide that as consistently as possible. 

YNRN seems to be doing okay.  if hes had any issues lately he hasnt told me; to be fair, i havent told him my own.  i dont want to threaten our moirallegiance, though i know logically no amount of my feeling bad would, its the whole point of a moirallegiance to support the other person emotionally.  but so far he doesnt seem to be tired of me, or annoyed by me, or anything, not by the way his messages read. 

M?, i think, is mostly what keeps us together - if by us i mean me, M?, and NERS.  she wasnt there yesterday at group and i think an actual majority of the time there was no one talking, so i kind of regretted going.  sam wont be going to any meetings for a while because she got a part in her (school?) musical, and ill have to decide if im going to.  M? is the one that prevents all of us from kind of bouncing off of each others emotional peaks and pushing both of those talking further down into a negative spiral.  she hasnt been responding to any of my messages lately, either (except to tell me to go to sleep), which makes me think she may not like me enough to talk to me, which i wouldnt be surprised by. 

CN openly derided me this morning.  surprise, surprise.  pretty sure he hates me. 

AYAS's birthday is soon, if it hasnt already passed.  i threatened to get her a horse dildo.  she became frazzled. 

O? and A?C? were all up on each other today in tech theatre.  no one was surprised.  he said his favorite artist is justin bieber, which was… not what i expected, at best. 

EZJM broke up with XN.  id say im not surprised, but i dont think i was really paying enough attention to be surprised or not to be surprised. 

WL still hates me.  did a quick check in chemistry. 

MN and BW were weirdly couple-like in chemistry.  after MN came in (BW was already there) they started grinning like they were hiding something from me.  most likely nothing.  then again, i might come back later and realize this was the first sign of their elaborate assassination plot. 

i mentioned that LA was gone and that we should get taco bell or something because i suddenly have an hour-some free every day after school, and ESCF asked me if i meant that he had left us.  i panicked and said yes.  oops. 

we had a quiz in chemistry today, which ive been failing since it began.  now that ive got that textbook, im pretty sure i aced the quiz, which is awesome.  hopefully now itll just be algebra and latin ive got to make up. 

im sitting next to some new kid i dont know in whap.  possibly i do know her.  not sure.  if i do, i didnt recognize her, but i wouldnt be surprised if i had met her before, im terrible with names, faces… pretty much literally everything.  until the end of freshman year, i still called molly and megan by each others names. 

im on break on the mod group; it ends the 20th, but ive got two asks due by this sunday (the 15th).  better do those. 

im still writing that fanfiction of LE (i mean, i only started it maybe last week.  i just checked and, yes, it was begun nov 5th - last thursday).  its mostly stalled right now because of all my other work and time commitments and stuff, not to mention the fact that theres literally almost no plot so far, just the introductions of the characters and the idea that theyll have to fight the emperor/the caspian heir and that at some point claudia will be lost to them.  also, shes been revealed to have been researching brackish magic, and her mother, amanda, knows this.  shes keeping it a secret from daniel, though. 

ill add as i go along. 



12/05/2018 07:16 PM 

starting again, again
Current mood:  worried

so Tumblr got shut down, which is why I'm moving here.  I was using a blog there to maintain a diary, which is what I expect this to be.  at some point I really need to try to find all the media I've used to record diary entries and compile them...  I want my records of my past to be as complete as I can reasonably make them. 

5 December 2018
today has mostly been worrying about my public speaking performance tomorrow -- it's the last speech assignment we have, and I haven't practiced nearly as much as I should have.  even now, I'm procrastinating by writing in my diary instead of practicing.  really, though, I have it all written out verbatim on some note cards, so at worst I'll just read it off there and get a sh*tty grade.  that's not terrible in the scheme of things.  there's a chance I'll actually fail and have to take public speaking again if I do that, though, which is a prospect that tempts me toward suicide. 
a friend of mine that I've been avoiding some, who I'll call AN, messaged me last night and we finally talked about some things we've been avoiding talking about.  I had gathered by last night that something about our friendship tapering off had deeply hurt them, but I didn't know what or how -- terrible social instincts on my part, but that explains more than it excuses.  it turns out they'd felt that way for longer than I thought they had; truly, something I remembered by last night but considered forgettable enough was apparently a major turning point.  I wish they would just let it die -- the entire thing is so painful.  they don't seem to want to, for reasons I truly can't guess with any hope of accuracy.  c'est la vie. 
jesus sh*t I hope I do well on the presentation.  I might be forced to have a cigarette beforehand to manage my anxiety (I'm NOT addicted, which is something everyone seems to assume the opposite of when they find out I limit my cigarette intake -- I limit it because I don't want to get addicted, not because I'm already addicted.  Is the idea of a teenager exercising caution when dealing with dangerous substances so radical?) but if I do that she might take points off just from an implicit bias against smokers if she can smell it on me (and I have no doubt she will).  goodness, I might just do that anyway. 
I also joined a discord server today run by someone I (conceptually) like deeply and which caters to a very specific interest of mine (yes, obviously it's sexual.  Why else would I be circumlocuting like this?) and the community is very, very social and fun to be around.  much more than I thought it would be.  the person himself, who goes by the pseudonym Becquerel, has both courtesy and sexuality intertwined in his communications with us, which is completely wild and whiplash-inducing for me, since normally my relationships are (a) purely sexual or (b) purely platonic or (c) divide sexual and platonic experiences strictly and with harsh contrast.  I think I can get used to it, though. 

today's song: The Guide to Success, Joe Iconis

december 2018, 2018, an, becquerel


12/05/2018 07:37 PM 

my heart is cold again

it's been a while, i haven't seen the light in days

can't really put my finger on it, but i've got time
so why don't we try to hang out soon
or whenever you feel like'
we'll have a dance
have some fun
take a break
and throw ourselves right into place

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