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12/05/2018 09:34 PM 

14 November 2018

14 November 2018

I did not really like ANTL, the counselor who met with me for my assessment meeting today.  I get the feeling she was annoyed with my asking after definitions for things like “friend” and “acquaintance” and “assessment”, which I understand but don’t sympathize with, because how else am I supposed to answer your questions?  she also expressed the idea that she wouldn’t be the right counselor for me, by which time I wholeheartedly agreed, and heavily implied I didn’t show enough motivation to change to be successful in therapy and that I was being too reliant on her to provide goals (you’re the expert in adolescent mental health, ANTL).  since the only goals I could verbalize by the time I was walking back to the dorm were “feel something” and “do your homework”, I doubt I’ll be returning, so looks like it’s just me in the battle against myself.  I kind of wish I’d just canceled the appointment in advance and not given her all that personal information now.  at least I didn’t wear my jacket on the way back.  the cold cut through me, made me feel more alive. 

XR told me earlier today he sometimes doesn’t tell me things because he’s scared it’ll mess up the relationship and it makes him anxious – ranging from the fact he thinks all billionaires are evil to other things he didn’t know (e.g. couldn’t remember whether he self-censors when he’s mad at me), but aren’t all about intellectual ideas and not wanting to be proven wrong.  I told him I also self-censor, but only when I’m angry at him and don’t want to say something that would hurt him and not help anything in the long run. 

I was planning on actually sending that birthday card, but at this point I don’t really care.  I doubt there’ll be notable consequences to not doing it.  at worst, AA will feel poorly and relay that to me. 

it’s possible I’ll start uploading posts as soon as something notable happens and then edit them at the end of the day, or after the next notable thing happens.  that will hopefully increase accuracy; it’s what I’m doing today. 

on a happy note, psych club is doing a lecture on parapsychology tonight at 7PM I intend to attend, and the first D&D session is tonight at 10PM.  I don’t really feel like writing an entire speech today, so perhaps I’ll do it tomorrow morning after cardio and prior to speech.  it usually only takes me an hour or two to write these things, anyway. 



12/05/2018 10:33 PM 

13 November 2018

13 November 2018

not much happened today.  I did the assignments that are due tomorrow (0:40 hr:mm).  persuasive speech outline is supposed to be done by 1:30PM Thursday for class, but idk whether I’ll do it then. 

I don’t really want to go to counseling tomorrow.  at worst, I’m dissatisfied.  I don’t have my razor blades and for the most part I don’t want to cut myself anyway.  at least I finally showered, so my hair looks a lot better, and I feel better about going out in public having shaved.  I’m utterly dissatisfied.  it feels like everything is happening to me and I’m not… anything.  just some amorphous, vaguely sentient existence without much feeling. 

f***ing RN asked whether I was feeling okay because ‘you’ve been quiet lately,’ or something like that.  i did my usual bit (went with “physically?” instead of “spiritually?”.  might have been more extra than normal since he does exercise science) and he specified at least mentally, so I said yes.  he tried to hold a conversation with me, which I entertained for a bit, and then cut off once our paths diverged naturally.  what’s he playing at?

also tried to give blood today – and succeeded some.  they couldn’t find the vein in my left arm, switched to the right, stuck me a few times, switched back to the left, managed to get some blood out, and… couldn’t get enough?  I didn’t bother to ask.  hopefully the amount they got was good enough, but I doubt I have any way of finding out now, and I don’t really care anyway. 

after comms I stayed behind at Barnett for a mindfulness exercise (SONA study), although what we actually did was guided meditation (isn’t visualizing an experience separate from one’s body the opposite of mindfulness?).  it was unpleasant.  I was more irritated when we were done than when we began bc of the waste of my time.  hopefully there are better tracks out there than the one we listened to. 

I actually sent XR some dominant messages bc I feel badly about being sub all the time, esp. considering that might be why he never wants to f*** anymore.  he responded positively, so that’s nice.  I should keep that up, or at least do that kind of thing more often.  he’s dropping out of drama next year and he’ll stay in the library instead, so hopefully he can do his homework there.  I remain unclear on the status of his assignments generally, even if I know he’s not that good at grades overall based on what I’ve seen. 

went over my calorie count again by ~50. 

RN, XR, November 2018, 2018


12/05/2018 09:32 PM 

12 November 2018

12 November 2018

I spent today basically in the lounge all day, which kind of felt like a waste of time but also felt kind of nice for just chatting the whole time.  I visited RL at the Ruth W Towne museum for extra credit and went over my diet by something like 100 cals. 

unfortunately, EDKJ said if I sit in on her class I can’t take it later because it would be unfair to other students (doesn’t that just mean I was willing to put it more work?); unfortunately, I agreed and quickly discovered it was intro to clinical psych, a class I will most definitely want to take.  not ideal. 

I signed up for a book about mesothelioma legal tips for the hell of it, in case we got some entertainment out of it (although now that I think about it, the website looked professional enough I really don’t expect we would’ve gotten much humor from the book), using NN's phone number.  he quickly gave away the game.  AYCM also did so with apparently three other people and now the woman who was confirming subscriptions to the mailing list has stopped calling people at MO hall’s address, so if anyone here actually has mesothelioma and they use this website they may not be able to get the information they wanted.  given that upon further thought we probably wouldn’t have gotten much fun, it was probably an ethical net negative for wasting their time. 

I also called Terri from the SHC and confirmed I’d received her information about my test results and she pledged to call in my prescription for PreP (through Truvada?) to the Kirksville Walgreens, so I should really go get that at some point.  I signed up for an assessment meeting with UCS for 3PM Wednesday and am having second thoughts by now; I asked XR whether he felt I needed to see a therapist and he didn’t really answer (”If it would help and help make you feel better I believe so”).  I don’t know whether I really have problems to alleviate or how to communicate them; at this point I’m just thinking I’ll hand over copies of these recent diary entries, not that there’s much psychological substance to them.  at least I have no enthusiasm for schoolwork anymore. 

the absence of any warmth between YNCS and ESCW continues.  the way he presents it, he has no ill will toward her and tried to act good in the relationship and ESCW expressed that anything YNCS says makes her feel like sh*t, or something in similar wording. 

at some point MR (according to him and everyone else in the lounge) said AT is like the white perfect and that AO is the black perfect, and I find it difficult to believe one could formulate and express that thought without being racist already.  after the initial shock, the lounge responded relatively well (read: moderately) and proposed collectively that separating by race in the statement implied the inferiority of one; MR was summarily unconvinced and said he refused to apologize as long as he didn’t believe he’d done anything wrong besides be misunderstood.  I’m unsurprised.  this is approximately the sort of things I expected from him. 

the tazed skin on my upper arm stopped hurting by the time I woke up, though the area is still a bit tender to the touch. 

November 2018, 2018, RL, EDKJ, NN, AYCM, Terri, XR, YNCS, ESCW, MR, AT, AO


12/05/2018 09:23 PM 

11 November 2018

11 November 2018

cigarettes do make me feel a lot better for the brief time I’m intoxicated by them.  I’ll be extra careful to smoke no more than one a week, and maybe not that many – the degree to which I feel happier when I use them makes me feel concerned, even if I can’t verbalize it rationally.

the kids – EE specifically – broke the paper towel dispenser.  I don’t see a likely way for the administration to figure out who did it, although it seems pretty obvious someone broke it intentionally.  hopefully they won’t try collective bargaining.  I also now have a video of maybe six or eight of us watching AL taze EE.  I asked KNJH to taze me later in the night, but he refused.  he suggested EE do so, and EE agreed. 

I’ve been avoiding doing work even in things I used to enjoy – precalculus and psychology, specifically.  I can do health, I think; assignments generally take no longer than fifteen minutes, twenty or twenty-five at most.  I should really make that appointment with the SHC.  perhaps I’ll do it tomorrow, on my way back from psych (I shouldn’t like to be late on my way there, lest I miss the beginning of intro to counseling or whatever EDKJ teaches, and it won’t be on my way anyway come to think of it since I’ll be leaving from logic at McClain).  on a happier note, ANEC and I discussed the savants project and she proposed using a multimedia scrapbooking format, released in realtime (and obviously prepared entirely prior), which actually made me feel excited about it.  C&C occurred yesterday, but only BL and XR showed up.  it was the birthday of OOTM's and OONM's grandmother, and YNCS gave me her phone number today because (she said) she hadn’t been receiving my messages. 

it was AA's birthday yesterday; I called her and LA texted me to tell her happy birthday, but I didn’t see the text until after the call was over.  I requested she call me back, but she waited until today to do so.  I told her I’d prepared a letter and given it to a student advisor who said they could put it in the university’s outgoing mail and later gave it back to me, saying the service wasn’t available.  it doesn’t really matter whether she bought it or not.  she did give me her aetna login information, though. 

XR and I still aren’t talking enough, necessarily, but we f***ed, and that was nice.  there’s still an overlay of dread that the relationship is failing, but I’m not sure what to do about that.  it seems as though if I just open with dirty talk and don’t ask him to show any of his body there’s little likelihood of problems, although I don’t want to be relegated purely to phone sex with him, an even more restricted version of what we do. 

I’ve been struggling with my diet – I haven’t had a full week when I went over yet, but I feel almost perpetually hungry.  I don’t always have physical symptoms of hunger, and occasionally even when I attend to it I don’t feel hungry, but it’s enough that I’m eating too much on a pretty frequent basis.  I’m blaming it for now on empty calories, like sweet tea and oreas, and hoping that’s the real culprit and that come this Saturday I’ll be able to purchase better things (for my purposes) from the C-store and not have the same issues next week. 

NEBM and ESCW appear to be continuing their adverse relationship.  not much to report on that front.  they began arguing because no one who voiced an opinion (ESCW, KNJH, EZBD, don’t remember who else, if anyone else) wanted to play Worms on the x-box, citing NEBM's usual behavior when he loses anything; NEBM replied to ESCW's accusation of acting out by saying ESCW also was doing so; ESCW said this was because NEBM committed a particular action he knew would provoke him which they had agreed he wouldn’t do previously, then apparently stepped back and said they had both acted irrationally and that he (ESCW) was admitting this, clearly offering NEBM an opening to agree (presumably so the subject would be dropped?); NEBM declined to take this opening.  this is an illustration of an apparently ongoing partnership. 



12/05/2018 09:22 PM 

6 November 2018

November 6 2018
i feel poorly.  i’ve been missing YNRN – because i read from my poetry blog – because i already felt sad, i think.  or because life is feeling especially empty.  i discussed it with EE a couple nights ago (nov 4) over a couple cigarettes (2 for him, 1 for me).  this is only something like the 5th one I’ve had, and the first one I’ve finished to the stub.  I actually felt a buzz this time, which is unusual in my experience with cigarettes.  he and i talked about experiences and passion and something about life goals and actually what one might want to achieve or what makes it worth it (the latter in fewer words than that), but i think i talked at him more than he talked back to me.  i quoted Kurt Cobain (better to burn out than to fade away) in the context of harder drug use and he recognized the reference, which i was pleased by.  if i was feeling nihilistic, he might have picked up on it.  fatalistic or suicidal?  i don’t think i was being so obvious. 

AYCM came to my room yesterday and discussed EE with me.  i think she just wants him to not court her at all, but i’m not sure.  her feelings aren’t clear at all to me.  she said ESCW had reported AR for sexual harrassment of KNJH and that KNJH had told the “compliance officer” (the same one AYCM talked to about being harrassed by EDMS, so presumably the title ix compliance officer) that AR had said relatively sexual things about him, but that he didn’t mind; reportedly the officer told him he “should” mind because it’s harrassment.  i said if it’s sexual language that no one feels hurt by, that just sounds like flirting; AYCM claimed people in the lounge were uncomfortable with it (presumably she included herself and wasn’t lying, meaning at least one person was uncomfortable with it, but I don’t know how she’d know whether anyone else is – they might’ve told her, but if anyone did, she didn’t mention that to me).  i don’t know to what extent KNJH not caring if AR says these things will matter to Truman; if they don’t mind because KNJH doesn’t, AR may still face consequences for being constantly mean to people.  AYCM actually speculated she’d be kicked from the floor, but i don’t know how she’d know that. 

XR has been poor lately.  we haven’t f***ed for a while because he doesn’t want to for some nebulous emotionally negative reason, even when we’ve scheduled it in advance, or, more rarely, because i don’t want to, because i’m tired or just not in the mood.  even when we called last night to play minecraft he was emotionally bad and we ended the call pretty quickly because he was quickly frustrated(?  maybe something else?  I’m not sure he could identify it).  the more this happens the more confident i am that i’m not able to help him significantly with this – he needs to speak with a therapist. 

i’m not sure whether writing diary entries actually helps me with sorting things out or whether that’s illusory, but i feel less muddled than when I began. 

i’m probably going to listen to the acoustic version of fools and worthless liars for the first time in a while; not sure whether it’ll make me feel better but at least it’s good music. 

november 2018, 2018, YNRN, EE, AYCM, ESCW, KNJH, AR, AYCM, EDMS, XR

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