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12/05/2018 09:47 PM 

20 November 2018

20 November 2018

went out today to help set up Thanksgiving lunch/dinner for ELS students at a university (it only took an hour or so instead of the customary 3-3.5 (acc. to YLDM) because someone had already set up the tables and we didn’t cover them in butcher paper this year), then had Vietnamese for lunch around 11AM, picked out a couple cakes for YLKM's party for TA and NL at 7, and came home.  I’ve been lazing about, mostly – actually completed one chapter of psych (only got 75% on the quiz, but I wasn’t going to get anything higher with the density and absence of clear explanation of the stats material in Ch. 14).  I ate way too much after getting home – three cookies, unbelievably.  I intend to abstain from dinner tonight if I can, because at this rate if I don’t I’ll be thousands of calories above this week’s limit come Saturday. 

ANEC texted this morning and asked if I’d be in town for winter break; by this afternoon, just a few minutes ago, followed up with “I’ll stop.  Sorry”.  I responded, requested she not think she’s the problem, summarized my inability to do much lately and how it’s negatively affecting my relationships.  I don’t know what her motivation is, but at this point I just want to end anything I’ve got going with someone who’s not XR.  it’s so much easier not to worry about that stuff, especially with it taking so much time and energy these days to do any schoolwork.  my best hope now is that she’s good enough friends with the people from the atheist club at UT that she can replace me effectively. 

delaying my bedtime since I got here from 10:30PM to midnight has caught up with me.  this morning I ignored my alarm, and instead of waking up again around 8AM, I awoke at 9:15AM, not entirely pleased about it.  I’m already tired again and could’ve gone back to sleep by 1:30AM or so (whenever we got back from the French bakery we picked up the cakes from).  I’ll try to go to bed around 10:30PM from now on.  perhaps it’ll help with doing my hw.  other than that I feel poorly, bordering on feverish.  TA has a sore throat and thinks he’s sick; hopefully I didn’t catch anything. 

November 2018, 2018, YLDM, TA, NL, ANEC, XR, TA


12/05/2018 09:45 PM 

19 November 2018

19 November 2018

not much to report today.  I haven’t done any of the hw I was supposed to (lol).  I really, really should finish my speech so I can practice it, but I also really don’t want to.  my morning was taken up with speaking with YLDM and LL to put forth the idea I was trying to spend time with them while here (TA broke a lamp); a little after noon we had ramen with EL, and then we looked at Factory Obscura, an interactive art piece apparently meant as proof of concept for investors for the artist collective ELworks with that people will pay for interactive art (the last one they did was apparently free for attendance).  this one is significantly more out of the way, which almost certainly won’t be good for their fundraising.  after that, we found three non-bougie thrift stores (one for furniture, one for women’s clothes, and one for men’s and women’s clothes) and LA bought me an olive green winter vest with fur-lined hood (I love it) and a black jacket of a distinct style that I’m not certain I can pull off.  after that I basically retired to my room, with more fuss and hassle in between than the summary lets on. 

4 people have responded to XR's poll.  even accounting for the low n, std dev calculations (assuming depressive symptom scores are normal, ofc) suggest 84% of his peers should be put through depression screening by a professional (viz. they self-report >4 symptoms of major depressive disorder as defined by the DSM V).  get your act together, Perth Modern. 

November 2018, 2018, YLDM, LL, TA, EL, LA, XR


12/05/2018 09:40 PM 

18 November 2018

18 November 2018

I was more productive today than yesterday in terms of pcl; hopefully I’ll be closer to catching up by the end of the night than I am currently (right now I’ve completed 3 items on the checklist; I need 2 more to be caught up, the 2 I didn’t complete yesterday).  for that reason, hopefully psych won’t take too long.  I hope to god this productive streak doesn’t end when I return to Truman, that I find some way to get motivation to do my schoolwork. 

we went to church with LL and YLDM this morning, from 10:45AM-12:10PM.  it felt excruciatingly long and slow, probably because the entire sermon was complete, incoherent gobbledygook.  none of it meant anything; he kept contradicting himself (’you’ve run out of zeal, but we don’t need zeal, because we have passion!’ without even articulating a difference in the two words).  also, the sermon was short; communion took a full ten minutes, and felt slower because no one spoke while communion was being passed around the pews.  I suspect the majority of the time was taken up by singing, and the songs were generally the same three or four lines over and over again for what must have been five or six minutes per song.  utterly, utterly terrible.  and then we went to On the Border for lunch, the Mexican restaurant, and that was painfully slow too.  we left around 2PM (!!!!!!!), with myself in a terrible mood because of all the wasted time when I could be doing something worthwhile.  why does it perpetually feel as though everyone in my family is doing their utmost to waste everybody else’s time to the most extreme extent possible beside TA and maybe LA?  according to AA and LA, TM seemed worried about something during lunch.  neither I nor TA noticed, although we were on the other side of the table from him. 

ANEC blocked me again.  it’s a relief – I was taking a day or more to look at the messages she sent me, dreading them, and the idea of the responsibility of working with her on the savant project was immense and heavy.  thank goodness for this.  I hope she isn’t damaged by it – not something I’d normally think, but the aftermath of New Jersey makes me think she’s less stable than I’d have assumed beforehand. 

I’m considering giving XR the password to this Tumblr, and I think I probably will.  I hope it’ll make us emotionally closer – generally I feel like we don’t talk about our feelings that much during calls.  having said that, I think I do talk about them when I feel deeply. 

XR and I had a conversation about YNRN (new taken name, but I’ll keep using the name I first knew him by for consistency – I wouldn’t if it would cause any harm, but he’ll never see it in any foreseeable future) because I mentioned him in the Nov 6 entry and didn’t realize until after I’d sent XR the password.  I’ll c + p the convo below, because I don’t have the energy to summarize it what with the whole thing being pretty emotionally heavy for me. 

EA: hell I forgot I mentioned YNRN in Nov 5 I should’ve warned you
EA: i know we’ve only broached the subject once in the past that I can remember and we didn’t discuss it at length but dyou want to now

XR: It’s okay you’re fine I don’t mind YNRN being mentioned it’s a good idea that you’re writing down emotions and stuff that’s good and I should probably take it maybe I just didn’t realise when the posts were set
XR: He goes by ------ now and we were okay with each other when we had to work together for the drama performance but now he doesn’t want to be near me at all which is sucky cos he has to explain to the teachers why he’s being a d*ck so 
XR: I got weird about it for a time and made a half bullsh*t song lyric thing which is probably too violent to be like good or seen by others

EA: I see

XR: But otherwise I’m chill

EA: okay thank you for telling me
EA: if you’re mostly okay about it do you think I can talk about my feelings related to that without making you feel badly

XR: Yeah probably go ahead

EA: okay obviously I already accidentally told you I still miss him sometimes
EA: I remember the day he called me the devil in the mod chat was during the summer I was taking community college macroeconomics so it would’ve been the summer after junior year, I think, which was about 1.5 years ago
EA: I still feel guilty enough for breaking my promise to him to not be with you to be on the verge of tears now thinking about it even so
EA: I sent him a long message on Tumblr in his submissions about regretting hurting him sometime this past summer but he never responded
EA: you okay so far

XR: Yeah I’m sorry about that love he probably has you blocked

EA: that’s a.  good point
EA: it sucks that I didn’t think of that I feel somewhat better now about that specific part
EA: but I do still fantasize about him forgiving me somehow and that’s kind of the emotional destination that whole summary was leading us to

XR: School friend reblogged one of his posts and it felt good in evil way to find his new url and I anon asked him “bitch” but he probably wouldn’t have seen that either
XR: I can’t remember it now though

EA: and there’s someone I was talking to about it who was in the mod chat and they said they sided with me partially because they always considered him selfish and shortsighted and I can’t say he’s not a little closeminded in a lot of ways but that doesn’t make me feel better
EA: you don’t have to respond to that one unless you have something in particular to add but I wanted to say it

XR: I love you you’re fine

EA: I love you too I’m sorry about all this I don’t know why I feel like a normal person would have gotten over it by now but I don’t really think I should because I hurt him and that’s sufficient reason to feel guilty
EA: anyway I never brought it up with you because I was worried it’d make you feel badly

XR: It’s good that you can feel guilty over stuff it’s understandable and I love you always you’re fine I can’t tell if I feel badly the only way I can describe it is teeth

EA: I love you too like teeth bared (protectiveness, anger) or exposed in a wince (sympathy) or teeth on you (pain) or something else

XR: 😁
XR: This is the emoji of teeth
XR: I think I’m lightly dizzy but I don’t feel guilt

EA: this looks threatening. 

XR: It most likely is but not to you

EA: to whom?

XR: To YNRN I believe it’s good you feel guilty cos relatively I dont

reading the poem actually made me feel a little better by reminding me of some of his worse qualities up until it said there’s be upsides to his suicide.  there’d be upsides to pretty much anyone’s suicide – it’s not the same as saying there’s more upsides than downsides, it’s just that it makes me feel a little sad and uncomfortable anyway.  something to note: XR wrote this 11 Nov of this year.  on a tangential note, it looks like XR uses his FriendProject as a bit of a diary, so is the link to it in case he updates it more.  it’s really, really nice to be able to understand him a little better through this, especially his side of things that’ve already happened that involved me. 

LL, YLDM, TA, LA, November 2018, 2018, AA, ANEC, XR, YNRN


12/05/2018 09:38 PM 

17 November 2018

17 November 2018

thanksgiving break.  I was awaiting it with some trepidation, but YLDM & LL are out most of the day today working, which gave me some time to catch up some on precal and psych studying, as well as get up to date on transcribing Harry Potter and the Prince of Slytherin and add a few more Senate votes.  the most important part there is, of course, that I’m back to actually doing my work.  I don’t find Ch. 13 or, probably, Ch. 14 of the psych textbook terribly interesting, but at least I actually finished some schoolwork which took more than fifteen minutes for the first time in a long while.  thank goodness.  makes me feel a little better about it; it promotes the idea I might be able to pass after all.  if I’m able to stick to a schedule for the next week and a half, I should be able to pass psych and precal.  at some point in the midst of all that, I really should (start and) complete my persuasive speech, but I still feel no motivation whatsoever to do that.  I would still rather kill myself, or really do anything else, than go back to comms. 

I also drafted a list of survey questions and a spreadsheet to quantify results for XR, which he needs for some mathematics class I don’t recall being specified to my satisfaction.  that was fun.  overall, this break has already been better than I expected.  spending all my time in one place seems like a sort of nightmare, if the depressive symptoms I was experiencing really were related to that.  I don’t recall being so empty and unable to do work at any point in high school, when I was able to go basically where I pleased, and although it took a bit (read: months) for the ennui to set in upon arriving at Truman, it appears to have lifted immediately upon leaving.  using a ABA baseline scheme, I think one could conclude the emptiness and Truman are linked, even if it’s not necessarily the stasis of Truman that’s relevant. 

I didn’t think to thank LL for the Bible and money this morning.  I should probably do that sometime tonight. 

last night EL said he could pick me up today and take me somewhere – which it’s looking like I don’t necessarily need, being pretty productive so far – but when I texted the number he gave me today wondering what time would be convenient, he didn’t answer.  I’ve yet to find whether he was busy or there’s some other reason I didn’t receive a reply. 

November 2018, 2018, YLDM, LL, XR, EL


12/05/2018 10:36 PM 

15 November 2018

15 November 2018

D&D last night was relatively fun, but ESCW seems to still be mad at me because my character looted something and then only offered to give it to his if he paid her.  I rescinded this in the D&D chat last night and said she’d distribute anything she loots in the future as I see equitable, which didn’t seem to change his demeanor.  maybe he thinks I’m being condescending?

I feel worse about ANTL rejecting me than I expected to or did yesterday, possibly triggered by trying to write my persuasive speech outline (due tonight).  thankfully, my need to justify not doing it at least means I’m doing my backed-up psych and precal now.  thank god freshman year is a complete blow-off.  regardless, it feels like an overwhelming workload, since I have no interest whatsoever in any of my classwork.  I don’t even want to write an essay on increasing voter turnout, which should be really exciting to me.  I’d really rather just kill myself than fail out of this school for lack of motivation.  I don’t know whether I’d be happier if I had friends – or more able to actually get my homework done, for that matter – but living in the dorms isn’t really guaranteeing that the way I’d hoped it would, even as I interact with them on a regular basis.  at least I have a pretty good rapport with EE, I think. 

I probably just won’t send AA's birthday card.  I don’t really care about it and I don’t want to go out.  I do need to pick up the Truvada at some point, theoretically. 

ESCW, ANTL, EE, AA, November 2018, 2018

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