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04/14/2019 02:28 PM 

Getting Somewhere

April 14, 2019 

   I haven't been updating on here much, have I? There's a reason for that. I've been busy, and, at least for the most part, happy. My life is finally starting to resemble a life worth living, and it's all thanks to Kat. She is indescribable, so I won't even bother trying with that. Never have I met anyone even close to her. There's so much going on, from working on improving this whole mess I got myself into a long time ago, to facing the fears I've had about growing up and being thrown into a life of responsibilities and stress that I know I'm not ready for, but I have to be. That's all I ever hear. It's like no one knows what it's like to go through what I have to. If I could be ready I would. So anyway, I've been too busy living in the moment instead of talking about it online. I'm still on here though.
   Prom is in a few weeks, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm trying to make sure I'm off work that night and the night before. So, that's another thing to be on my never-resting mind. Difference is, this is a good thing to think about, and it's just one of many things I have to look forward to, and distract me from all of the bad things life is trying to throw at me. So, its not all negative now, there's good things too. It's trying to focus on the good, and knowing that I'm not alone, I'm loved, and I'm taking back my life. I'm getting somewhere, and I won't have to go there alone.


04/14/2019 02:22 PM 

welcome to paradise

For some reason I'm stuck on song names for blog post subjects. 


So anyway, today hasn't been anything special. Trying to hunt down an interweb side hustle lol. 

It's actually a pretty slow moving day, and I'm thankful for it. 

Getting a new bunny today, so that's good. 

The rescue is basically full at this point so it's time to either expand or start advertising so I can get some of these animals into good homes. I hate advertising though, because then I get more folks I have to properly vet and vetting sometimes takes forever. I also end up with influx of more animals and when I have no more space that's a problem. 

Also it requires talking to people, and I suck at that. 


Too many people around the last few days for me to dive into more indepth things that I want to write about. 

It puts me in a mood. 

Things to do. Animals and children to feed. 

Maybe later tonight. 

See ya


04/13/2019 05:03 PM 

y0 wtf?
Current mood:  annoyed

any1 3lse gett1n fr1end r3quests fr0m v1rus l00kin us3rz/gr0ups?? l1ke 1 g0t a fr1end requ3st fr0m s0me1 n wh3n 1 cl1ck3d 0n th3ir pr0f1le it just p0pped up a " says: hdaswtluy3578wrih89r37refayr8f9" th1ng and?? wtf!!!


04/13/2019 01:22 PM 

Work Sucks, I Know

I don't think I ever imagined that I would be quoting Blink 182 via blog, while speaking of life in my thirties. My early twenties maybe, but I'm definitely not 22 anymore, although nobody likes me now either. 

Okay, ran that joke into the ground.

Weekends at work don't suck too bad, theres multiple people to talk sh*t to, and for some reason when certain coworkers work with me, we get into discussions about our existential crises. It still sorta unnerves me, because these are people that I don't even get to hang out with outside of work usually, but yet it's comforting because it's people that I thought had things together much more than they actually do. 

eh. Anyway. That's about it, until I get home from the local wrestling show I'm about to attend. I don't think I've actually watched wrestling since the early 2000's lol Go figure. 



04/12/2019 10:21 PM 

Okay, since that's done now....

I write to relieve stress. Sometimes I write constantly. There isn't an empty scrap of paper to be found anywhere in sight. There sometimes is fifty different projects open on my laptop that I have started, but not finished. I'll start on one story, and end up side routed and diverting my attention to a minute detail of the story, so much that I realize it's a story in and of itself that I have to re-write as a standalone. Usually half way through, it's gone. 

Most recently it seems most of my writing focuses on trauma processing. I've used writing so long to escape reality that now I'm using it to process unwelcome parts of reality that my mind has a hard time dealing with. 

In all honesty, it's kind of a nifty concept to grasp for me. 

No, I'm not going to go into specific detail of the trauma I'm dealing with, for now. One day I'm sure I'll spill gut and come out with all the gory details that have made me the .... individual.... that I am, but right now I'm going to give the very shorthand version.

I'm in my thirties. I have four kids. I suffer from PTSD, BPD, and Bipolar. These things aside, I've mellowed in my old age. I used to go on these wild adventures, before the therapy, and the medication. I  absolutely detested the medication, so here I am, non medicated for the last eight years, and actually doing... somewhat well, for me anyway. I work a full time job, oftentimes working two jobs plus whatever side hustles I can get my hands on. I raise my children, one of which has autism and another has diabetes. One of my kids is actually my step daughter, so occasionally there's a little drama with that, but generally not so much. My husband is actually my second husband, He's a few years younger than me, but is definitely my fp, although I split on him occasionally (google bpd splitting, because I don't have the spoons to explain that tonight.... and now that I think about it, I don't think I have the spoons to explain what I mean by 'Spoons' tonight either. ) 

I've survived my own brain this long, which is oftentimes a nightmare in and of itself, but I've also survived domestic abuse, both physical and emotional. I've survived being poor for... well basically my entire life, and survived child abuse, abandonment, and neglect. 

I'm not going to pretend that this is going to be some sort of inspiration porn, it's not. 
It's probably going to be absolutely and downright depressing on a fairly regular basis.
I'm not really even expecting anyone to read it. I might make a few connections to people of interest here, but who knows. 

Unfortunately it's time for me to crash out, 
Work in the morning. 


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